Wanderings

Who am I? I hesitate to phrase it that way because then it sounds so much like I need to "find myself". Not that I don't understand that concept, but it has so much negative connotation with it. I don't think I ever did find myself, but I'm not sure I was looking either. I worked so hard for one thing all my life, and then I got it. Not that I don't enjoy my work, but...well, it reminds me of something I've heard before that most of the joy is in the desire for something. After one gets that thing then the joy of anticipation is gone and it feels anticlimatic. I didn't need to find myself while I had a goal to work to. Once I achieved that goal, then I had more time to wonder what else was there in life.

I've found things to fill my time and interest and some that are fulfilling. I enjoy my avocations as well as my vocation. And I still find myself wondering what else is there?

As a confessor of Christ that should give me the answer to the question. And yet there still is something lacking. I've learned this is a conversation not to have with Certain Strong Believers, because they have all the pat answers which they are willing to share with me over and over, even if I don't ask. And they (helpfully, they think) point out areas where I could use "improvement". Kind of them to at least use a euphemism for it.

So where does that leave me? Still searching. Not trying to find myself. I don't think that's what I lack. I know who I am. It's those around me who do not, or will not allow me to be what I am or who I am. That's the bigger struggle. So many around me have a mold that is labeled with my name and they all try to force me into that mold, but generally I don't fit, most of the time not even close. And when I don't fit, they don't revise their mold or try to understand me. They shut me out and keep pounding on me to fit the mold. I'm the quintessential square peg and everyone's hole for me is of a different circumference. I can't fit, not unless the circumference is large enough. And then I fall through. But that's okay too. Some people give up and let me fall through, glad to be rid of this thing they couldn't figure out, the item that would not meet their expectations and specifications. Is it any wonder I have so few real friends? Real friends, the ones who will let me be a square peg instead of trying to carve my corners off. And those others wonder what my problem is. You see, they never have a problem. They are very certain of themselves. They have all the answers and understand everything. At least that is what they have made themselves believe. So in their perfect world (which is very small if it's so perfect) very few things fit or satisfy their demands (and they are always demanding).

What do I demand of them? Only one thing. Let me be me. Don't try to make me over into the image that only exists in your mind. If you got to know me instead of talking at me, you might be surprised at what you'd find inside. It might be interesting to get to know someone that is outside your perfect world. That would mean you'd have to expand your boundaries though, and I suppose that is too difficult or painful. It's sad. How happy are these people, really, who are shut up in their tiny cosmoses, living and experiencing only what makes them feel comfortable that they are indeed in charge of all things?

It's like I've said before, some persons expect two kinds of people, men and women. Each group is an impulse function. End of story. You must fit one group or the other, and that's all they will allow. In reality there's a whole continuum of people and overlapping with groups. What all these narrow people miss because they will not see beyond their preconcieved tiny notions.