The Disaster in Room 2002

I must be an idiot or a glutton for punishment. Or maybe something worse still. Some things don't die, no matter how hard you beat them.

Luna

The moon rises over the roof
And sets in a similar way.
As we sleep on unconcerned
And wait impatiently for the day.

The sun and moon in passing
Pause for a brief word.
Each considers the other's lot
In the theater of the absurd.

Even changeable, always waxing
Or waning on the way to bed,
The moon chooses full but then
Heads to gibbous instead.

Snap out of it!

If only it were that easy.

Yesterday's blog entry drew mixed reactions. Concern is appreciated. Not "getting it" is understandable. Ignoring it is understandable too. Who really wants to read someone's blog when it's so dark and depressing, and well, even boring. The only reaction that bugs me is the "snap out of it" reaction. "You have a choice in how you feel! If you focus on the negative then of course you'll feel rotten! Just get over it and think about all the great things in your life. It could be a lot worse."

Yeah, it could be a lot worse. But. I'm sure there are those out there who understand that depression is not always just a state of mind. It's not always "choosing to be that way". Why on earth would I choose to be so down and out of things? Why would I pick to lie in bed for half the day instead of doing something fun or creative? It's not always about choice, people.

There is the sort of depression that is caused by your body rebelling against you. That's not a state of mind. There are physical causes for it too. "Oh, but you always get depressed when things are not going great for you. So it must just be your thinking." No. There are times when events in life are great, but the big D hits you hard. Why don't the SAEs (self appointed experts) ever notice that? Why is it that they only see what they want to see? And there is the fact that things such as stress cause the physical "situation" to get worse. Not because of emotional upset from the stress, but how physiology changes when the body is subjected to the press...and the lack of sleep, etc. Perhaps the SAEs are not so expert after all.

So, I say to all of you SAEs out there, you snap out of it. Snap out of your smug self-righteous, know-it-all state of mind and learn to look beyond the end of your nose. There's a whole world out there of which you know little because you are so busy counseling everyone on how to handle things that you really don't understand at all.

To be, or to see

The long slide into the dark continues, and who knows when it will stop or how low it can go before it levels? That's the disheartening part...sometimes scary. When will it stop? Will it stop?

I feel as if my life has been stolen from me. When I sit here like this, finding it painfully hard to do the simplest task, I know something has been taken from me. Not just simple motivation, but meaning and even words to try to state my meaning or feeling. It has taken about five minutes just to type this much. And yet I have to press forward. If I stop to try to call up just the right word then the lethargy grips harder and freezes up not merely my fingers, but my will. My mind takes off on flights of fancy that have nothing to do with even a resemblance of reality. It's similar to a waking sleep, a conscious dream. It makes no sense and just flows from one idea to another concept all under its own power and direction. I don't even seem to have the ability to control that. And so I sit and stare into space, seeming to have lost the tenuous contact with the things and people around me. My mind has a life apart from what my body knows it must do. This is the time of sleeping not for rest but for escape. The sleep of escape. It's always been interesting to me how much I can sleep when I seek escape. My mother always ran a tight ship of making sure we never slept too much during the day or too late in the day so we wouldn't "sleep too much" and not be sleepy at bedtime. But this sort of sleep defies all logical reasoning of getting too much sleep. It's not the body in charge now seeking restoration. The mind is in charge and shuts the body down so that it can have the escape from the dark oblivion. So the mind can wander in worlds of fantasy, finding fun and hope when none exists in the waking world. None of it makes sense. And there seems little choice but to flow along with it. It's too much work to resist. It creeps in insidiously and steals away bits of life. Where will it stop?

The weather matches my mood

Dark and dreary.

But I do like the rain. I always have. I like thunderstorms. Not severe storms. Not tornadoes. I didn't say that. I like thunderstorms.

I was a child in the 60's...back when as long as you were not standing in the rain or near metal, then you were considered "safe" from the lightning. Nowadays when there is lightning miles away, we get an announcement on the emergency warning system at work that "lightning has developed within ten miles of the Marshall Space Flight Center. Employees conducting outside activities should move inside at once." I was either lucky or, more likely, very blessed. I used to go sit on the porch and watch and listen during a storm. Now, I wasn't entirely stupid. If the lightning was right overhead, then I didn't sit outside. But I liked to watch the storm and listen to the rain and thunder. Before "environmental effects" CDs were popular for relaxing, I discovered the calm that the gentle rumble of thunder and patter of rain can bring. It was especially great to be able to see a storm moving in, to see it off on the horizon with the bolts dancing between clouds and then skipping to the ground. And it was even better at night. Nothing was more relaxing than to climb into bed and watch a storm roll in and then go to sleep by the soundtrack of a "good" storm...a good sleep storm, not a rabid, angry one that rattled the windows.

We had the other kind in the wee hours of this morning. I was sleeping peacefully when the thunder nearly rolled me out of bed. Not the worst way to wake up, but not the best way. Unfortunately it startled me so much that I was unable to get back to sleep, with about an hour left before the alarm went off.

But the gentle rain patters outside the window right now. Unfortunately I cannot hear it because of the well insulated building I work in with the ventilation system that makes its own brand of noise...not the pleasant type. However, when I go for coffee, as I just did, it's nice to pause at the window and watch the drops splatter in the little pools of water. It's as if a fairy has touched down in the pool, startling the calm surface, before she leaps away to another one to disturb its quiet too. As the rain falls the fairies dance and the thunder gently calls to them. And it seems, for the moment at least, as if all is right with the world.

I never understood...

Initial considerations...

I never did understand how hearing another person's troubles or difficulties was supposed to make one feel better. So that you know you're not the only one? Well, I still don't get that. I've never been encouraged when I was low by hearing someone whine about "if you think you had it bad, wait until you hear about what happened to me!"

Friday's experience has made me think a great deal about my job situation. For about six months I have attended many, many hours of meetings (about 30-35% of my work hours), listened to many hours of telecons, read and responded to hundreds and hundreds of emails, dealt with as many phone calls, and the only real product I have produced is one hazard report of 24 pages...not full pages. It's a form and only about 50-60% of the boxes are filled in, which is on schedule. And on Friday that report was trashed entirely. It seems a lot of effort for little product and that wasn't even good enough. It's very demoralizing. I don't have the motivation to do this job any more. And it spills over into life in general. I was so de-motivated that I did nothing with my weekend. No reading, or writing, or drawing. I did nothing constructive at all. It was a waste and a wash. And I don't really care.

The Big Presentation:
I could only get you to appreciate the full impact of Friday if I told you everything that happened. That is beyond my ability to endure to type it all, the space to put it and the patience of the reader. Therefore, I keep it to a synopsis of the worst of the highlights.

After starting 20 minutes past the time I was scheduled to start, and not being able to get into the hazard database where my data was, I got to talk for about 15 minutes. I was scheduled for two hours. However, things did not procede as expected. It was suggested to me to READ the hazard report to the panel so nothing got left out. I didn't quite read it to them though but on the third information block the panel chairman said, "Can't you just summarize this??" Well, I could but I was told to make sure I mentioned everything. Then on the next block, I made it about half way through the hazard cause when the panel chairman said the whole philosophy of this hazard report was wrong. That was not against me because I didn't make that decision. I was just...doing the report I was told to do. However, that took the entire meeting off on another discussion...about the direction that vehicle integration was going and how we get there. Even though I had points to make on that, I got to bring up two of them and then I was talked over for the rest of the time. I know when to shut up. I was shown my place, and I took it because there was little choice. Chad led the way in talking over me. The panel and a couple of engineers took off on the "how integration should do its job" discussion for about an hour. I got to sit and listen. I thought that was it for me. I'm done. They want this hazard report re-done in an entirely different way. So I don't have to do any more presenting. Then just at 12, Chad said we needed to get back to my report. The panel chairman said let's take a lunch break. So I get to sit here and wait an hour for what??? That is what I asked Chad...what now? He told me to push forward and present...what they already said is wrong and they don't want to go through the details. However, that doesn't matter. I've been given my orders and I'm expected to follow them no matter what the panel chairman says.

So, an hour later...we started 15 minutes late and Chad presented three charts he had. Then he got back to me and my hazard report, which had already been discredited. I asked the panel chairman three times if he wanted to do Choice A or Choice B on preceding. He would listen and then talk to the guy next to him so he would ask me to repeat myself. Very rude, and makes one feel treated like a dog...which they had already done from the beginning. So I got re-started and I got to talk for about 10 minutes. Then the subject that started the morning argument got…re-opened, after they had agreed to talk it outside the meeting. I was this close to being able to leave but the panel chairman polled the panel to see if anyone had questions and that’s when that subject got brought back up. Thirty minutes later I was this close to being able to leave a second time and an engineer who is not involved in vehicle integration wanted to know who was going to do the integrated analyses. Why? Don’t know. It doesn’t affect him at all. So then they talked that for about 15-20 minutes. Then the panel chairman had to poll everyone again to see if there was anything else who wanted to ask anything.

I was supposed to present from 10:15-12 and I ended up presenting (ha…listening) from 10:30-12 and 12:45-2:00. I must have talked a grand total of 10-15 minutes. I stood and listened the rest of the time. Stood…

The final tally is that I have attended meetings and meetings and meetings and telecons and answered tons of email. In the last 6 months the only real product that I have produced was the hazard report, which was re-written 3 times. And now it is trash. The panel threw out my report as not being what they wanted…redo it completely in a totally different way. 6 months down the toilet. :p’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

That’s the government way.

3 a.m.

Give or take a couple of minutes. Oh, I know it's not that time now. That's what time I woke this morning. And I didn't make it back to sleep. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's because today is the Big Presentation. That's why I didn't go back to sleep...tossing and turning and worrying about it. Well, no. I really didn't think much about it. No, you see this is normal for me. Not that I wake up every morning at 3. I wake most mornings at about 3 and I am able to go back to sleep about 60-65% of the time. That other percent...I just lie there eyes wide and not even feeling sleepy. I can lie there for half an hour and not even a yawn. At that point I know there's no gain to be had from lying there any longer trying to think relaxing thoughts and doing deep breathing. So it's up and at 'em. This was one of those mornings. I think I might have lightly dozed a bit, but I recall seeing the clock at 3:14 and 3:20... So what sleep may have happened was not productive. So do I feel exhausted and wish I was home asleep instead of here at my desk very early (before 6). No. Not right now. I feel fine. I'm ready for the day and not tired or cranky. That will come about 1-1:30. That's when I'll have to drag away from my desk and walk around before I fall asleep. Then when I get home, I'll crash for about an hour. And that will carry me over until bed time. And tonight I'll probably sleep past 3 am. I have a feeling that I'm not saying something unfamiliar to a lot of people. I'm willing to bet that more people than not do understand.

And today is the big day for the Ares VI hazard report presentation. My confidence was greatly boosted yesterday when there was a flurry of activity centered around things that were "missing" from the report format. Well, this is going into PDR, so it isn't expected to be 100% complete. Still we looked at my report again and discussed what to change about the template. The conclusion was not to change anything at this late time. "We'll see what they do to Brenda tomorrow and then we'll decide what to do with the rest of the reports. If she survives, we won't change anything. If she gets beat up then we'll make the changes." I knew I was being the sacrifical cow. But I say that with tongue very firmly in cheek. I'm not nervous anymore...really and truly. I've become calmer the closer it gets...ironically. But praying earnestly for peace of mind helps that a great deal. The other side of the coin on going first is that I will have it over with and not have it on my shoulder...and not have to make all those changes and incorporate all those incoming comments the day before the presentation. I can sit back and take potshots at all the other reports to be presented. :D

Visnomy as it seems thus far

What a beautiful and uneventful landing for Atlantis yesterday. It was a great mission, no major hitches and quite a clean launch. No TPS concerns. Delayed though it was by ECO sensors, the mission itself was a smooth one. Endeavour will launch in three weeks, which is a little startling, but pleasing.

The "erratic" or "dead" satellite (so called spy imaging satellite) was shot down successfully by the Navy last night. Good show. All sorts of implications and things one could speculate on, which I will not go into here, as I consider it beyond the scope of this blog. Why did I mention it then? The shot itself was of great interest.

There was a total eclipse of the moon last night. That was fun and interesting to watch. Though I've seen so many and completely understand what is happening, I never cease to be amazed by it. I enjoy watching the heavens which delcare the glory of God. The firmament showeth His handiwork.

Haven't much to say today. Dragging because of this cold that has lingered a couple of weeks. Just cave canem. Carpe canem. In hoc signo vinces. Haec lim meminisse ivvabit. Abeunt studia in mores. Si vis amari ama. Res tuas cura. Vale.

Wanderings

Who am I? I hesitate to phrase it that way because then it sounds so much like I need to "find myself". Not that I don't understand that concept, but it has so much negative connotation with it. I don't think I ever did find myself, but I'm not sure I was looking either. I worked so hard for one thing all my life, and then I got it. Not that I don't enjoy my work, but...well, it reminds me of something I've heard before that most of the joy is in the desire for something. After one gets that thing then the joy of anticipation is gone and it feels anticlimatic. I didn't need to find myself while I had a goal to work to. Once I achieved that goal, then I had more time to wonder what else was there in life.

I've found things to fill my time and interest and some that are fulfilling. I enjoy my avocations as well as my vocation. And I still find myself wondering what else is there?

As a confessor of Christ that should give me the answer to the question. And yet there still is something lacking. I've learned this is a conversation not to have with Certain Strong Believers, because they have all the pat answers which they are willing to share with me over and over, even if I don't ask. And they (helpfully, they think) point out areas where I could use "improvement". Kind of them to at least use a euphemism for it.

So where does that leave me? Still searching. Not trying to find myself. I don't think that's what I lack. I know who I am. It's those around me who do not, or will not allow me to be what I am or who I am. That's the bigger struggle. So many around me have a mold that is labeled with my name and they all try to force me into that mold, but generally I don't fit, most of the time not even close. And when I don't fit, they don't revise their mold or try to understand me. They shut me out and keep pounding on me to fit the mold. I'm the quintessential square peg and everyone's hole for me is of a different circumference. I can't fit, not unless the circumference is large enough. And then I fall through. But that's okay too. Some people give up and let me fall through, glad to be rid of this thing they couldn't figure out, the item that would not meet their expectations and specifications. Is it any wonder I have so few real friends? Real friends, the ones who will let me be a square peg instead of trying to carve my corners off. And those others wonder what my problem is. You see, they never have a problem. They are very certain of themselves. They have all the answers and understand everything. At least that is what they have made themselves believe. So in their perfect world (which is very small if it's so perfect) very few things fit or satisfy their demands (and they are always demanding).

What do I demand of them? Only one thing. Let me be me. Don't try to make me over into the image that only exists in your mind. If you got to know me instead of talking at me, you might be surprised at what you'd find inside. It might be interesting to get to know someone that is outside your perfect world. That would mean you'd have to expand your boundaries though, and I suppose that is too difficult or painful. It's sad. How happy are these people, really, who are shut up in their tiny cosmoses, living and experiencing only what makes them feel comfortable that they are indeed in charge of all things?

It's like I've said before, some persons expect two kinds of people, men and women. Each group is an impulse function. End of story. You must fit one group or the other, and that's all they will allow. In reality there's a whole continuum of people and overlapping with groups. What all these narrow people miss because they will not see beyond their preconcieved tiny notions.

Stolen from my story...

There was a significant collection of darts and arrows on the floor of the cave. Jeren had worked steadily and mostly in silence. His mind was working out plans, thinking on ways to use the environment to their advantage, deciding how to test their toxic plants. They needed all the advantages to fight against the men stalking them, hunting them for sport. Occasionally Oren would ask him a question. Only then would the big man speak up.

Perhaps we might even lure them into a cave. If I could find enough carbon to cause a large fire, I might be able to make it flash if I could draw them in. They would be trapped and we could just wait…or better yet, if we were further in the cave and their escape were cut off. We could surprise them. There are traps we can set also, instead of having to hunt them down. We can draw them to us. That would reduce our work and our exposure. This fibrous plant would work. It could be worked into ropes. We could braid them together. These fibers are very strong. Even if they couldn’t hold a man for a long time, that could at least slow them down. We have more advantages than I thought. All I had to do was have the chance to think and evaluate. And we do have our training. In addition to giving us our strength and ability to fight, it can guide us in our attack, lead us to them.

While the big blonde man was carefully trying to bend the stick into a bow, Oren watched in fascination and wonder. Jeren was a man transformed. It had only begun to accelerate as they had spent the day working. The young man had determined it much earlier, but the more Jerel worked and planned, the more he seemed like someone that Oren didn’t know. He knew it was necessary to their survival for Jeren to think and work as he did, but still…it was more far-reaching than he would have expected for the normally easy-going fellow. This was not the same man who got a laugh out of carrying his best friend across the training area and then pinning him to the mat so the children from the crèche could tickle him.

Jeren’s face was illuminated by the firelight and his features were hard in the orange glow. His long silvery blonde hair reflected the light and almost seemed on fire. It gave the picture of a fierce warrior. The man’s eyes were not visible from this angle and all Oren saw gave the appearance of two dark areas where the man’s eyes should be. The big man’s mouth was set. He had worked at the same pace through the day, not slowing, barely stopping for a meal.

Oren quit staring and returned to his work of extracting resin from the plants Jeren had gathered. He wondered if he could find the same qualities in himself that the big blonde fellow had found. Oren knew this would be the most difficult battle he had faced before. He had tried to find strength in himself, but all the doubts wouldn’t leave him.

Totally cool

At 5:58, less than half an hour after sunset, we stood out in the front yard waiting and staring upward. Just when we were certain that we'd missed it, we saw the dim light racing across the sky and becoming brighter as it rose up from the horizon. It was amazing to watch it, knowing what it was, where it was and who was there.

It was the ISS, International Space Station, with the newly added Columbus lab from ESA, European Space Station. And the space shuttle was still docked to it. The ISS has grown so much in the last couple of years. It looks brighter each time as more elements are added. Now with Columbus...and with the shuttle still tagging along, it was huge. It was bigger and brighter than Venus...and that's very bright. And it rose up nearly overhead. We watched it down to the other horizon. As it went southwest, further around the planet from the sun, it began to fade with less sunlight shining on it. It's rare to see it for so long. Generally we have clouds or too many trees or some obstacle blocking our view. But this time it was horizon to horizon, dim, bright and dim again. It was an incredible sight, totally amazing to think of the ten people up there living and working ordinarily in a hostile environment. And it's more startling still to realize one has had a contribution to it.

What dreams may come...

The days evaporate into nothing. I can't believe that it has been a week since the shuttle launch. What have I done with the last seven days? They disappeared like morning fog burned off by early warm sun. In fact, the last two or three weeks have disappeared in a puff of white smoke. I realize the insanity of work makes the days rush by like a train hurrying through a tiny hamlet, gone before you can blink. But still I don't understand why the nights and weekends seem to have rushed away too...other than that they are connected to the days that are pulled out from under me like a rug.

Speaking in analogies this morning...

At least it is Friday and a three day weekend. I hope that the weekend is a good one and a quiet one. It would be appreciated so I could try to recover from the bone weariness and the pending cold that won't settle in but won't go away either. I'd like to start the week fresh, particularly since I have the Big Presentation on Thursday next week. I thought I was feeling pretty good about it. Then everyone begins questioning me and reminding me it's "Level II". I haven't presented at that high a level before. Presentations make me nervous anyway. I don't need the pressure of being reminded to whom I am presenting. Concern is natural, worry accomplishes nothing but to compound itself. I just wish it behind me. Perhaps the agenda will present the hazard reports in numerical order and Art will present first. The first presenter always gets the hardest time as the panel settles in to the manner of proceeding, deciding the level of presentation and questions and so forth. However, I also know what has been said about Art when Art is not around. And it may be that since my report is more mature and I am more familiar with my report, I may be chosen as the sacrifice so that we start on a good foot and Art will have a softer time. If that is the case, at least I get to go early and get it over with instead of sweating out the wait.

Music...Gayane Ballet Suite...aaaahhh.

Mood? Um...tired.

Plans? Nothing big. Low profile. Perhaps a nice relaxing art project.

Color? NASA blue

Drawing...Max Q (The time of maxium aerodynamic pressure on the shuttle. The colors are indicative of the pressure, most intense on the shuttle.)

By Special Request

After several questions about what I read and why, I was asked to compile a reading list. This is not exhaustive, but I was exhausted when I chose these few out of the many that I could have. And yes, I have read all of thse and can recommend all of them...for various reasons, too numerous to mention here.

The Mercury 13: The True Story of Thirteen Women and the Dream of Space Flight, Ackmann, Martha
The Physics of Baseball (3rd Edition), Adair, Robert K.
Ike's Spies: Eisenhower and the Espionage Establishment, Ambrose, Stephen E.
See No Evil: The True Story of a Ground Soldier in the CIA's War on Terrorism, Baer, Robert
The Baseball Fan's Companion: How to Master the Subtleties of the World's Most Complex Team Sport and Learn to Watch the Game Like an Expert, Bakalar, Nick
Crowd Culture: An Examination of the American Way of Life, Bell, Bernard Iddings
Critics of the Enlightenment: Readings in the French Counter-Revolutionary Tradition, Beneton, Philippe (Foreword)
The Politically Incorrect Guide to Science, Bethell, Tom
Stages to Saturn : a technological history of the Apollo/Saturn launch vehicles, Bilstein, Roger E.
Three Nights in August: Strategy, Heartbreak, and Joy Inside the Mind of a Manager, Bissinger, Buzz
Possibilities of Prayer, Bounds, E. M.
Black Hawk Down: A Story of Modern War, Bowden, Mark
Fahrenheit 451, Bradbury, Ray
The Revenge of Conscience: Politics and the Fall of Man, Budziszewski, J.
Hey Ranger!: True Tales of Humor & Misadventure from America's National Parks, Burnett, Jim
Thirteen: The Apollo Flight That Failed, Cooper, Henry S.F., Jr.
Godless: The Church of Liberalism, Coulter, Ann
The Black Book of Communism: Crimes, Terror, Repressionm Courtois, Stéphane
The Catcher Was a Spy: The Mysterious Life of Moe Berg, Dawidoff, Nicholas
Evolution: A Theory in Crisis, Denton, Michael
The Best Stories of Fyodor Dostoevsky: Including Notes from the Underground, Dostoevsky, Fyodor
The Education of Ronald Reagan: The General Electric Years And the Untold Story of His Conversion to Conservatism (Columbia Studies in Contemporary American History), Evans, Thomas W.
Tortures and Torments of the Christian Martyrs: The Classic Martyrology, Gallonio, Reverend Antonio
The Men in Blue: Conversations With Umpires, Gerlach, Larry R.
The Book Nobody Read: Chasing the Revolutions of Nicolaus Copernicus, Gingerich, Owen
Rebel with a Cause, Graham, Franklin
The Art of the Catapult: Build Greek Ballistae, Roman Onagers, English Trebuchets, and More Ancient Artillery, Gurstelle, William
A Primer on CO2 and Climate, Hayden, Howard C.
A Life In Secrets: Vera Atkins and the Missing Agents of WWII, Helm, Sarah
The Medical Casebook of Adolf Hitler: His Illnesses, Doctors, and Drugs, Heston, Leonard L.
Shows about Nothing: Nihilism in Popular Culture from the Exorcist to Seinfeld, Hibbs, Thomas S.
Sky of Stone: A Memoir, Hickam, Homer
Political Pilgrims: Western Intellectuals in Search of the Good Society, Hollander, Paul
Les Misérables, Hugo, Victor
High Calling: The Courageous Life and Faith of Space Shuttle Columbia Commander Rick Husband, Husband, Evelyn
Hamlet
Rookie, Jenkins, Jerry B.
The Battle for Rome : The Germans, the Allies, the Partisans, and the Pope, September 1943-June 1944, Katz, Robert
Dingers!: A Short History of the Long Ball, Keating, Peter
Intelligence in War: Knowledge of the Enemy from Napoleon to Al-Qaeda, Keegan, John
Lessons from a Sheep Dog, Keller, Phillip
The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America, Larson, Erik
Thunderstruck, Larson, Erik
Avalon: The Return of King Arthur, Lawhead, Stephen R.
Merlin (The Pendragon Cycle, Book 2), Lawhead, Stephen R.
Patrick: Son of Ireland, Lawhead, Stephen R.
Scarlet, Lawhead, Stephen R.
Taliesin: Book One of the Pendragon Cycle (Pendragon Cycle), Lawhead, Stephen R.
Grail (Pendragon Cycle/Bk 5), Lawhead, Steve
Rogue Trader: How I Brought Down Barings Bank and Shook the Financial World, Leeson, Nick
Rare Words and Ways to Master Their Meanings: 500 Arcane but Useful Words for Language Lovers, Leighton, Jan
Inventing English: A Portable History of the Language, Lerer, Seth
The Screwtape Letters, Lewis, C. S.
And the Angels Were Silent: Walking with Christ toward the Cross, Lucado, Max
Hitler's Cross: The Revealing Story of How the Cross of Christ Was Used As a Symbol of the Nazi Agenda, Lutzer, Erwin W.
A Skeleton In God's Closet, Maier, Paul
Flames of Rome, The: A Novel, Maier, Paul L.
Pontius Pilate, Maier, Paul L.
Fatal Vision, McGinniss, Joe
Young Stalin, Montefiore, Simon Sebag
Under Fire: An American Story, North, Oliver L.
Power, Faith, and Fantasy: America in the Middle East: 1776 to the Present, Oren, Michael B.
The Dante Club: A Novel, Pearl, Matthew
Spyplane: The U-2 History, Polmar, Norman
A Physician Looks at the Crucifixion, Pries, Mitchell Peter
Modern Art and the Death of a Culture, Rookmaaker, H. R.
A Mathematician at the Ballpark: Odds and Probabilities for Baseball Fans, Ross, Ken
The Radioactive Boy Scout: The Frightening True Story of a Whiz Kid and His Homemade Nuclear Reactor, Silverstein, Ken
Deceived on Purpose, Smith, Warren
A Consumer's Guide to the Apocalypse: Why There is No Cultural War in America and Why We Will Perish Nonetheless, Velasquez, Eduardo
The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary, Winchester, Simon
Weird and Wonderful Words, Winchester, Simon
Spy: The Inside Story of How the FBI's Robert Hanssen Betrayed America, Wise, David
The Politically Incorrect Guide to American History, Woods Jr., Thomas E.
Who Made God?: And Answers to Over 100 Other Tough Questions of Faith, Zacharias, Ravi
Plagues of the Mind by Bruce S. Thornton
Intellectual Morons by Daniel J. Flynn
Political Pilgrims by Paul Hollander
The Triumph of the Therapeutic by Phillip Rieff
Monsters from the Id by E. Michael Jones
Dionysos Rising: The Birth of Cultural Revolution out of the Spirit of Music by E. Michael Jones

Very cool pic!!

Melange

Do people even stop to think about the results when they lie in your face? Do they think that if they promise to do something and then just simply don't do it that you'll never notice? Or do they feel so smug in their assurance that you'll forgive them? Forgive and forget... I've heard that one all my life. I can forgive. It's harder to forget, not just because I want to hold a grudge, but because of the lasting effect of a promise that was snuffed out after being made in what seemed like earnest.

Valentine's is tomorrow, and also this year my wonderful spouse and I celebrate 25 years of marriage. It's a great thing to be loved, really loved. There are so many people that only want to complain about their spouse and children. I work with people who enjoy working late because that means they have to spend less time with their family. That's a very sad indictment. Marriage has become something to rush into with the thought of "we can always divorce if it doesn't work out." Like changing your clothes at the end of the day because you tire of them. I'm not condeming all cases of divorce. I realize there are people who consider it carefully and for various reasons the marriage just can't be salvaged. But there is an attitude that snakes through society that marriage is like buying a piece of cake, caught in the moment of lust for what looks good and is of brief enjoyment, rather than buying a house on a thirty year mortgage, a long term commitment to one goal, to be worked for and enjoyed for a long time to come. I look forward to the next 25 years with great anticipation for even more enjoyment than the first 25 years. My best friend as well as my lover. I'm content and very happy.

I have very much enjoyed my return to writing. I've completed two stories and have plans on paper for the next story. It would be nice to be paid for it, but I realize how difficult it is to break in and I've tried it. It's good to have hobbies that are relaxing and fun also. I have a sense of creativity and achievement. There are things that I am still struggling with, but I also enjoy the simple act of carving out a plot and resolving the issues, but not too cleanly.

It's nice to have a warm furry companion who is happy to see you every time you come home, no matter how you feel, one to kiss you and cuddle up with you just because you came home...and only demands a bowl of food and to snuggle.

Go out tonight (if you don't live in a light saturated area) and look straight up at the stars...and wonder.

Sunrise from space. Welcome to the neighborhood, Columbus.

HDNASATV

HD videos from NASA. The files are sizable, but well worth the wait to download. Maximize your player and enjoy.

http://www.nasa.gov/multimedia/hd/HDGalleryCollection_archive_1.html

Freak Magnet

I maintain that I am not a freak magnet, even though I manage to attract them from near and far. Does anyone know how to de-magnetize a freak magnet?

1. I "dropped" my hazard report into the database on Friday, which means I can't change it because now it is in for review. However, I knew when I did that there was a problem with entering it into the database. I had mentioned it and no one had reacted so I just pasted what it would accept and the rest of that field was truncated. That's what it took to get attention. Today there are several emails burning up the lines not addressed to me but cc'ed to me telling me what I did was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!! SLAP SLAP SLAP! But I did what I was told to do by the leader of the hazard report team. And at this point I can not change it. End of that story, except for the backdoor beatings that are still sizzling my inbox.

2. Email from a "friend". Let's call him Bevis (see below). Bevis sends me an email about one of the current candidates. Because I don't want to go "there", I'll neglect whom or the subject. However, on top of all the other items that make my days so pleasant, I have made it abundantly clear to those closest to me that I'd rather skip talking politics. I don't need the aggravation, besides which if I cast my vote and act like a responsible citizen on being informed, etc. there is not a whole lot I can do to change the outcome of the election. So why debate and get upset and argue and spit and spat and carry on like the talking heads? I know others enjoy that for various reasons, but I don't. I'd rather expend my energy elsewhere, thank you very much. So each time I see Bevis he asks me if I've heard the lastest news! So I returned his email to him with the note of please exclude me from your bashing list. I'm really not interested. So I get a response from him telling me I totally misunderstood...blah, blah, blah...

3. Bevis' friend, let's call him Butthead, sent me an email with a link to a video clip. That's where that should have stopped. I have to quit going to look at all the junk that B&B send me. It would save a lot of time and aggravation. But, no, I had to go look at this very, very stupid and dangerous stunt this fellow was doing...one of the most dangerous I've seen. Butthead said this guy needed a wife to nag him incessantly about doing stuff like that. Well, that just makes sense... OF COURSE a nagging wife will stop that sort of thing! So I told Butthead that it wasn't the wife's responsibility to make up for this guy's lack of brains. "You missed the point. A woman that really loves him would help stop him from doing this sort of thing." Again, of course a nagging wife would stop this! I should have stopped. (I could kick the teacher who got me involved in the debate team!) "It's hard to love someone who cares so little for himself." Well, then I got a long email with a discussion of the difference between accepted risk and lack of care for oneself... I finally did stop myself from responding to that one. No point in further communicating with someone who is missing the point and going off on tangents...

Let's see...6 hours and all that aggravation. Two more hours to go. And that's only the biggest "nagging" problems. That doesn't count all the usual morons and fools and nags who come by everyday to fuss and complain and rip you to shreds. With the whole weekend full of stress I had and the last couple of weeks at work, I think I can officially file for a section 9.

Sunny days and Mondays

Construction Day

Today the STS-122/ISS Expedition 16 crew will add Columbus to the ISS. Again we will be witness to the ability of humans to work in the environment of space, overcoming not just the environment but the unexpected, and the ability to innovate and invent when things don't go by the book. Recall the wonder of watching Scott Parazynski repair the torn solar array on ISS during STS-120. I recall it wonderfully well. And I look forward with great enthusiasm and excitement to this grand addition to the ISS. No, we have not outgrown our planet, but we have outgrown our limitations. Space exploration is our future, not just beause it is there. And yet because it is there, taunting us with mystery and beauty, we are bound to explore.

We have liftoff

(not blastoff)

And what a beautiful liftoff it was. The weather forecast was not a good one, 70% chance of violating launch weather constraints. The clouds moving in from the west looked angry. But they weren't moving as fast as first projected and held off long enough for a launch attempt to be made. And the attempt was a good one. Very nice launch. The ECO sensor repair worked, obviously, and my buddies on that side of the house said that after tanking and observing the system response, they have a more complete understanding of the problem. Good. A pretty clean launch too. I wonder if the addition of the Columbus lab will make the space station larger to the naked eye. The ISS is already as big and bright as Venus in the night sky. Can't wait to see it post-Saturday construction EVA.

Today is Drop Day for my hazard report...into the database that is for CSERP review. So I won't be making daily changes to it like I have been for the last two weeks. Just daily changes to my up front presenation charts...but there are only a couple of them. It's been interesting to say the least. I can't wait for the 22 Feb presentation to be behind me. But it stil won't be over after that because this is just the Preliminary Design Review. We have two more phases to get through. However, this will lay the foundation and the other phases will just add information to the hazard report, so perhaps it won't be so bad after all. I hope.

Jashar is all fixed up and is returning to duty. Another crisis resolved (in three parts) in only 302 pages. What to do now? Don't want to think about it. I'm too tired. I just want to go home and have a quiet weekend.

Chaos

When the world comes too close
And you feel its press the most,
That’s when it’s harder still
To run o’er dale or hill,
To find the quiet and the calm
To fill your spirit with a balm
That heals the break in soul
From which the world extracts hard toll.
Where to find a quiet haven
Where no mark of world is graven
Deep into the surrounding stone
Where one can release the moan
Of pain and deep ache of heart?
Where can one even start?

The End...in actuality

Even though I say that nothing surprises me any more, plenty of things do. Every time I think I've seen the most that people can do, they always find a new way to puzzle me. And it doesn't have to be A Big Deal. It can be simple lack of courtesy...which seems to be the largest growing trend in our population these days.

One example is the anonymity that people take advantage of with email. Because they use alias and such they say things that I'll bet they would not if their identity was clear to everyone. I used to use my name and be open about who I was until I got stalked. But I don't use a screen name as a reason to hound people or annoy them. I realize that when you join a mailing list you take the risk of airing your email address and that can bring a lot of unwanted junk or abuse.

For instance, at the mention that I was considering re-posting some old stories on a friend's list, I was inundated with more private mail than discussion on the list. Everyone has decided what I should do, how I should do it, when, and to their likes and dislikes. I thought an offer to re-post might bring a lot of requests so my idea of how to deal with that was start from the beginning and post them all. I also explained a sticky copyright issue I'm involved in, and which really should be resolved before any of this starts.

However, it's as if I mentioned none of that and just said, " tell me how to serve you." Because that's what I got...orders. I was told where to post them, specific URL's. I was asked for CDs of all the stories...or made to order CDs where the requester gets to shop for stories. Not just a handful of stories. Near one hundred. Hello? I told you there were issues to be resolved first. And one other thing...this is not a mail order service.

I don't think people realize what's behind the stories. They just show up in their inbox and they read for free, no expense to them. When I was writing heavily, I would spend about three hours a day in writing, posting, updating web site and answering email. That's a great deal of free labor. It was like having a part time job along with my regular job. But now people expect me to serve them. In fact some feel I owe it to them. I don't know where these perceptions come from. I owe no one anything. If a person has been a loyal reader for years, I appreciate that, but that obligates me to nothing. You get it free. I get nothing, many times not even the gift of feedback. They are too busy to write that and yet I am supposed to bow to their whims and continue to use my time to serve them. Give me and then get out of my face.

Another facet of this that grinds on me is the mentality of ordering up stories to specification. Such emails as, "I'm only interested in the canon characters! Don't bother posting original character stories." "I'm only interested in OC Jedi characters. Don't bother posting the others." "Forget posting stories about anything other than Jedi! No one is interested in those non-Jedi characters. They are boring!" This is supposed to make me want to post?

I stopped writing for three years because I was burned out. Now that I am ready to write again, my interests have changed and I don't know that I want to write the same sorts of things. I'm ready to move on as a writer. My original characters are much more important to me. I want to develop them, but apparently no one is interested in that.

If I were being paid then I might be more amenable to criticism and see the need to satisfy an audience. This is not the kind of junk I need in my life right now...especially with work being so hard on me at the same time. Especially with work being so hard it's more effort to find time to write and to find time to dig out old stories and post them.

So the lesson I have learned is that society continues it's fall into the "it's all about me" mentality.

And thus ends any aspiration to post or re-post or to even write. I won't ever be a professional and if my amateurish efforts are not welcome, what is the point?

The End...of the story and of the writing

Hmm...

I think I've written myself into a corner.

The story I'm working on. I set it up for the protagonist to have a big problem to work on and it was not a problem with a quick fix. This is part III of the series and I suddenly realized last night that this situation he's in is drawing out long. Um...part IV? That's not what I planned on. Now, I do have an idea for a quick fix. However, that would mean a major rewrite of the last 50 pages to make it fit into the story. Or keep letting him wade through this, which is not a problem for me. I'm wondering how much of this the readers might want to endure. I know what the end is going to be, but I can't see the end of the tunnel yet. So...quick fix with major rewrite, or keep going and maybe boring the readers to heck. This is the time when one needs the faithful companion to chew this over with. These are the kind of situations that burned me out on writing before. Perhaps another solution will present itself...

The rest of the story...

The day of the Big Dry Run arrived last Friday (1 Feb). I'd made several requests on what level of detail I should go into on the hazard report. "Keep it high level." That's what the mantra was, but I didn't understand exactly what that meant. So we were supposed to walk through this on Friday and I asked yet again. "I'll go get Chad." Later "Chad's not happy. He asked me if you had a plan and I told him no." I had an outline of a plan. I just had not filled in the details because I couldn't get answers to my questions. "We'll talk about it." But we never did. The result was that Chad came in and gave us an hour long lesson on How to do a Presentation. From very basics. He lectured as if he were lecturing two children. This is not what I needed or wanted. It was not helpful. I have given presentations before! Believe it or not. In 26 years at NASA, I've given many. Even though I'm not a good presenter, I do know how to and I have lived through them all. To say I wasn't happy understates the situation greatly. Not only because of the patronizing attitude; there was the misrepresentation that I was not prepared at all, and the fact that my time was being wasted when I could be doing Quite Useful Things.

I lived through that though, steamed as I was. I sat at my desk and made my couple of charts. And by the way, I didn't know I was going to have to walk through part of my fault tree...because no one mentioned that when I asked what level of detail I was supposed to go into. So I had to pull that out and make charts and in my spare time figure out how I was going to fit that into my presentation, where it would fit and make sense and how I was going to talk it.

I did finish everything and even had time for lunch before the dry run started. I will take blame for what I am responsible for. I refuse to be thought unprepared for what was not brought to my attention and there was more than one thing that I got pinged on in the dry run for. The worst of it was the opening charts, prepared in an hour that morning with not enough information. I couldn't answer questions on which configuraiton this was on. Not every element used the same config, and I had to slide by the best I could on that. And Jon gave me a nice drawing of the launch vehicle, but it was the wrong config, which Brian (who knows all and sees all) was kind enough to point out to me during the dry run. The typoes and badly worded sentences I take full blame for. The fact that I can't read from a chart because my mouth is dry as cotton I will take blame for...using wrong words or tripping over them.

But I did get the chance to show I was not a total moron. When I was asked questions that I could answer from my own store of knowledge and didn't have to read off a chart, then I was on good ground and I answered them all well, I think. I only had to defer two but they really were outside the purview of what I was presenting so passing them on to others to answer was no discomfort for me. That was my time to shine and I did well on that. So I think that allowed the chance for me to show I did understand the report and could explain it. I wasn't a total idiot. I would say it was more good than bad and I know I amplify the bad. And I had all weekend to think about the bad as well. Something I finally got over some time late Saturday afternoon.

Van told me in sincerity that I did a good job. Chad popped off a perfunctory "good job". But that's over. I get a couple week break before the Big Presentation. I understand where I need polishing and I feel better facing them than a primed hostile audience in the dry run...Chad.

Concatenates

It's a perfectly good and legitimate word. I learned it in a college math course. So naturally I thought that others who'd had math classes in college had heard it. Well, you know what they say about when you assume...

I put the word in my hazard report, and when it went out for review, well I found out how differently I was educated from the engineers I work with. Not just that they didn't know it, but some thought I'd gone out of my way to find a $10 word to throw into my report. As if I wasn't buried in "stuff" trying to get this thing ready for the dry run presentation, I would have time to go dig through the dictionary and thesaurus to come up with a word to : ! other people. Please. At least those who know me know better.

Yesterday was one of the stupidest days of my life, if not the one. I thought I had everything under good control. All I had to do was make this last set of corrections and upload it to the data base and I'd be in good shape for the dry run.

HA!

I'm sure there are many stereotypical poses that are repeated for government workers and for engineers. I think yesterday topped them all. In my smug self-assurance that all was under control, I was relaxing over an early lunch when it began.

A rain of emails concerning things that needed to be changed on my hazard report. A handful of good catches, and a ton of nits. So I began making the pertinent ones. I continued to get pinged every few minutes with yet another. After nearly an hour of that, I was beyond grumpy. And then the other Battle of the Titans began. I couldn't figure it out at first. I got notes from the engine guys that perplexed me. They had put words in place of my words in the hazard report...with no explanation for the change. I had called the engine the J-2X, which is what the model is called. They didn't like that and each inserted something different. I was obligated to show them that I had incorporated their changes, if I thought they were good or relevant. "How's this?" Well, I didn't make that change mostly because they hadn't explained it and I didn't see why adding Upper Stage Engine was necessary. Just more words...and the number of places to make the change... Well, finally after a few more mails, I figured it out. They didn't like my terminology...but they never said that. They just added words with no explanation. Finally I got it. They wanted Upper Stage Engine instead of J-2X. Well, no that wasn't it either. So I finally asked the right question...WHICH is the correct name for it? J-2X, Upper Stage Engine, together, or are they interchangeable, does one equate to the other? So I was informed the "preferred terminology" was "J-2X Upper Stage Engine (USE)". After the first use then one could simply use USE. It was never to be reffered to as J-2X alone...or as Upper Stage Engine alone, at least not on first usage. Gee. Why didn't I think of it that way?? :p So I had to go make all those changes. I won't hazard a guess...and upload it all again which it not just a straight upload. Each box on the form has to be copied and pasted into the database. Six or eight boxes over about ten pages. Sure, it's not difficult but very time consuming. All of this while I was supposed to be listening in on a telecon. Well, forget that. I heard it but I have no idea what they said. Oh, just one more thing. Then the engine guys argued because I didn't simply take all their changes and MAKE them. No questions, no reason, just make our changes. We know your job better than you do.

And Carla didn't understand why I complained...a one line email, that's all.

Well...the pay's the same.