To be, or to see

The long slide into the dark continues, and who knows when it will stop or how low it can go before it levels? That's the disheartening part...sometimes scary. When will it stop? Will it stop?

I feel as if my life has been stolen from me. When I sit here like this, finding it painfully hard to do the simplest task, I know something has been taken from me. Not just simple motivation, but meaning and even words to try to state my meaning or feeling. It has taken about five minutes just to type this much. And yet I have to press forward. If I stop to try to call up just the right word then the lethargy grips harder and freezes up not merely my fingers, but my will. My mind takes off on flights of fancy that have nothing to do with even a resemblance of reality. It's similar to a waking sleep, a conscious dream. It makes no sense and just flows from one idea to another concept all under its own power and direction. I don't even seem to have the ability to control that. And so I sit and stare into space, seeming to have lost the tenuous contact with the things and people around me. My mind has a life apart from what my body knows it must do. This is the time of sleeping not for rest but for escape. The sleep of escape. It's always been interesting to me how much I can sleep when I seek escape. My mother always ran a tight ship of making sure we never slept too much during the day or too late in the day so we wouldn't "sleep too much" and not be sleepy at bedtime. But this sort of sleep defies all logical reasoning of getting too much sleep. It's not the body in charge now seeking restoration. The mind is in charge and shuts the body down so that it can have the escape from the dark oblivion. So the mind can wander in worlds of fantasy, finding fun and hope when none exists in the waking world. None of it makes sense. And there seems little choice but to flow along with it. It's too much work to resist. It creeps in insidiously and steals away bits of life. Where will it stop?