I just don't get it

I really do try to do the right thing in relationships with friends. Well, in all relationships, but the friend thing is the current imbroglio that has me in a state of discombobulation.

I do care about my friends. I suppose that sounds obvious, but I mean that I don't take them for granted. I have so few and those are precious. Also, I try to let them know, in various ways, what their friendship means to me. In an ideal situation, that wouldn't be necessary, but I think people like to know they are appreciated and cared about. So I do try to show it. That can be a challenge sometimes though. What do I say or do...or not say or do? Absolutely, different methods are required for different people.

And there are times when I try to do or say something that seems to me to be correct and caring. But the reaction I get afterwards, at times, leaves me totally baffled. I feel as if I have done something wrong. I feel as if I have left an insult or a hurt. At that point, I have no iota of an idea of what to say. So I say nothing. The quiet leaves me in the dark then. Did I do wrong or right? If wrong, what? If right, why the dry or negative reaction? I am not able to learn from a mistake if I do not understand the mistake, or even realize if I made one.

This is what has me pondering at this moment. I think that the care and maintenance of a relationship is one of the most difficult tasks that anyone can face. And it's something no one can teach in a class. Sure, there are classes and those classes have good and interesting ideas, but I maintain that it can't be taught. And the lessons one learns in the actually practice can be painful and long lasting...and obviously effect all the relationships that come later.

So...what the hell...

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Hit bottom today. Feeling very miserable. The kind of day when the brain is so sogged that it won't perform rationally.

One good point--it is significantly warmer. The temperature is in the 40's and it is so good not be freezing, particularly since I would freeze at the equator in the middle of the summer...which is a non-sequitur concerning seasons and equatorial position. But it sounds good.

The sky is metal grey mottled with lighter grey streaks and splotches, as if someone poured melted metal across the sky and did not stir it. The rain tapered off yesterday late so we are left with a crazy quilt of damp outside.

Roy gave generously of his time, as always. He had fifteen minutes and still hadn't eaten lunch. Yet he brought me in and listened. He's so good. When will he tire of me? Roy is as changeable as a chameleon. When he listens, he is serious, even grim. His blue eyes grey down. He is in hear mode, absorbing. When he talks, his eyes glimmer and he charges up before he launches into response. Now he is in transmit mode. He cares about his people. He simply cares.

I finally got back in the mode to write. I watched something that gave me an idea for a plot and I charged into it. The first time in a very long time that I've written more than a couple of pages before I decided it was too much of a chore and stopped. I got up to 11 pages before my idea was crushed out. Julie M. strikes again. She has the method that rains on my parade and severely demotivates me. She usually doesn't give me a chance to develop a plot before she rips it up, telling me all that is wrong with it. Well, I didn't give her the chance this time. However, I did need to ask her for some medical information for the story. I can't fault her for being medically accurate, but it killed my story idea. So I've lost interest in trying to save it. I really don't think I'll write again. After five years I just can't get going any more.