I never understood...

Initial considerations...

I never did understand how hearing another person's troubles or difficulties was supposed to make one feel better. So that you know you're not the only one? Well, I still don't get that. I've never been encouraged when I was low by hearing someone whine about "if you think you had it bad, wait until you hear about what happened to me!"

Friday's experience has made me think a great deal about my job situation. For about six months I have attended many, many hours of meetings (about 30-35% of my work hours), listened to many hours of telecons, read and responded to hundreds and hundreds of emails, dealt with as many phone calls, and the only real product I have produced is one hazard report of 24 pages...not full pages. It's a form and only about 50-60% of the boxes are filled in, which is on schedule. And on Friday that report was trashed entirely. It seems a lot of effort for little product and that wasn't even good enough. It's very demoralizing. I don't have the motivation to do this job any more. And it spills over into life in general. I was so de-motivated that I did nothing with my weekend. No reading, or writing, or drawing. I did nothing constructive at all. It was a waste and a wash. And I don't really care.

The Big Presentation:
I could only get you to appreciate the full impact of Friday if I told you everything that happened. That is beyond my ability to endure to type it all, the space to put it and the patience of the reader. Therefore, I keep it to a synopsis of the worst of the highlights.

After starting 20 minutes past the time I was scheduled to start, and not being able to get into the hazard database where my data was, I got to talk for about 15 minutes. I was scheduled for two hours. However, things did not procede as expected. It was suggested to me to READ the hazard report to the panel so nothing got left out. I didn't quite read it to them though but on the third information block the panel chairman said, "Can't you just summarize this??" Well, I could but I was told to make sure I mentioned everything. Then on the next block, I made it about half way through the hazard cause when the panel chairman said the whole philosophy of this hazard report was wrong. That was not against me because I didn't make that decision. I was just...doing the report I was told to do. However, that took the entire meeting off on another discussion...about the direction that vehicle integration was going and how we get there. Even though I had points to make on that, I got to bring up two of them and then I was talked over for the rest of the time. I know when to shut up. I was shown my place, and I took it because there was little choice. Chad led the way in talking over me. The panel and a couple of engineers took off on the "how integration should do its job" discussion for about an hour. I got to sit and listen. I thought that was it for me. I'm done. They want this hazard report re-done in an entirely different way. So I don't have to do any more presenting. Then just at 12, Chad said we needed to get back to my report. The panel chairman said let's take a lunch break. So I get to sit here and wait an hour for what??? That is what I asked Chad...what now? He told me to push forward and present...what they already said is wrong and they don't want to go through the details. However, that doesn't matter. I've been given my orders and I'm expected to follow them no matter what the panel chairman says.

So, an hour later...we started 15 minutes late and Chad presented three charts he had. Then he got back to me and my hazard report, which had already been discredited. I asked the panel chairman three times if he wanted to do Choice A or Choice B on preceding. He would listen and then talk to the guy next to him so he would ask me to repeat myself. Very rude, and makes one feel treated like a dog...which they had already done from the beginning. So I got re-started and I got to talk for about 10 minutes. Then the subject that started the morning argument got…re-opened, after they had agreed to talk it outside the meeting. I was this close to being able to leave but the panel chairman polled the panel to see if anyone had questions and that’s when that subject got brought back up. Thirty minutes later I was this close to being able to leave a second time and an engineer who is not involved in vehicle integration wanted to know who was going to do the integrated analyses. Why? Don’t know. It doesn’t affect him at all. So then they talked that for about 15-20 minutes. Then the panel chairman had to poll everyone again to see if there was anything else who wanted to ask anything.

I was supposed to present from 10:15-12 and I ended up presenting (ha…listening) from 10:30-12 and 12:45-2:00. I must have talked a grand total of 10-15 minutes. I stood and listened the rest of the time. Stood…

The final tally is that I have attended meetings and meetings and meetings and telecons and answered tons of email. In the last 6 months the only real product that I have produced was the hazard report, which was re-written 3 times. And now it is trash. The panel threw out my report as not being what they wanted…redo it completely in a totally different way. 6 months down the toilet. :p’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

That’s the government way.