State of confusion

Though I never intended this blog to become a place to cry and expel all things to the void, sometimes I do revert to that because there has to be an outlet. Some things are not expressible to another person. Not because they are so terrible, but because they are so unfathomable. And so I attempt here to do what I can't do, haven't been able to do, out of cyberspace.

I can't explain what goes on inside. Some people understand my ramblings because they feel the same things. Others try but don't get it. And the remainder stare with the blankest of looks. For all the goodness and care that two current sounding-boards demonstrate, it's no good trying to dump what's inside. I can tell that I made one of the pair uncomfortable. I'm sorry for that because I simply don't want to make such situations. But things haven't been like this for me in a long time. It hasn't been so bleak and confusing in some years. Sure, there are professionals, but I can't spend every day in such a setting. And I am expected to deal with a certain amount on my own. And so I should have. Then these uncomfortable situations wouldn't begin to build up.

If I sound as if I am babbling, I am. As I said, I can't explain. I feel a little mad at the moment. I feel like another person. When will I come in for landing? When will the fog clear? Only time will tell.

So the best thing to do is withdraw and wait. Rather than accept friendly help, perhaps it's best for all if I simply wait this out on my own. I wouldn't want to lose the couple concerned people. There are so few. Rather than run them off, perhaps I should suffer in silence. After all, it will go away. Won't it?

Jane, stop this crazy thing!

That's what I feel like yelling out. Yet, simultaneously, I do not want it to stop. Don't slow. Keep going as fast as this past week. Never stop. It's scary as hell, but it's bringing me peace at the same time.

Yeah, how can that be?

I wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't taken the ride. I keep dropping quarters in each time I sense the ride slowing, and, just as I expect, acceleration happens.

The week has been most interesting. Particularly Wednesday and Thursday. Those were the strangest days I've lived through in a very long time. They are vivid in my memory, and yet, somehow, they seem so fuzzy and far away.

I suppose perhaps that is a self-defense mechanism kicking in unconsciously. It's the way that I try to deal with the sudden changes and the tremendous shift of paradigm that has exploded in my world. Else, my brain might rupture from trying to process all the words, feelings, events that unfolded on those days.

So, you may say, get to the point! What happened? What the heck exploded into your life that has you babbling so wildly. These are but wild and whirling words! Put your discourse into some form and make me a wholesome answer. (Apologies to William.)

Ah, I pull back at this point from telling the entire story. Rather, brief let me be. About the details, at least.

Being a very private person, I have a lot of untold things that have remained buried for years, and some things not so long. Things that, to me, seem things to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, and so they have remained under the layers of dirt that I continue to pile on them. So deep are they that I can name very quickly the short list of people who know, and even shorter, much so, is the list of people who know combinations or all of it. Probably only two people know it all.

So, why would I, in the space of a few minutes, spew out half of The Big Secrets to someone I have only gotten to know well in the last couple of months?

That, my friend, is the question of the day.

I have no idea what brought it on. In some ways it feels like a set up. It feels like I was plunged into a situation that would leave me no choice but surrender, backed into a corner. However, I know full well that is not the case. The person to whom I made confession wouldn't have a clue, and has no malicious intent. The thought has occurred to me that a Higher Authority might have orchestrated it all. If so...amen, let it be so. I am His tool to use as He sees fit. He is the potter; I am the clay.

And so I did tell some of those things that have lain fallow by purpose. A couple of the painful things, including my most preserved thing. And what do you suppose his reaction was?

That was the kicker, the beginning of the life change.

I figured, for certain, it would lower his estimate of me. He would now view me as some sort of damaged merchandise to be thrown out to make room for the new and improved merchandise to soon be brought in. He would think I was nuts. Not just nuts as in fun and wacky. Nuts as in insane, literally. I was certain this was the beginning of the end of this relationship, so new in nature.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

"You're an incredible person!"

What? Me? ME??? No way. Can't happen. Who is standing behind me that you are addressing? You can't possibly mean me.

"You have a story that would help so many people. You need to write a book."

WHAT? Now I know who is out of mind, and it ain't me.

Admit to PEOPLE all those things that I've worked so long to bury and keep quiet for so many long years?? Are you kidding, or nuts? Uh uh. No way, no how.

So...what happened that was so life changing? Just one admittance of Those Things?

No. I'm working on a speech...to give before people to tell my story. And not just any people. Before my coworkers. People who know me and people who are among those that I've most kept in the dark.

Scares the hell out of me.

So why do it? It would be easier to just keep quiet. Probably.

I do it not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

And that's not the end of the story. That's the beginning. Because this is a test case to see if I'm willing to go through with it. Afterwards? We'll see what happens first, but I'm thinking that telling my story IS a good thing after all. Other speaking opportunities? A book? Real possibilities. We'll see...after the first time.

Scares the hell out of me.

Gives me peace also. I feel a great weight has been lifted. I feel some freedom. It's easier not having to work so hard to hide it all. Since I've made this choice, my outlook has been different; people tell me I'm different. In the space of two days. Quite a ride, quite a difference, quite a change of paradigm. Instead of wasting so much time and energy hiding, I can live in the open and in freedom, and maybe help someone on the way. All I have to do is take a chance.

The ride is slowing. Where are my quarters??

Thanks, Roy.