Wandering Wednesday

Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you disappeared off the planet? Not a death, but just a quiet, innocuous disapperance. What would the difference be? Would anyone notice? And how long would it take for things to return to normal when you left...right away or longer? This is a thought that has visited me on and off through my life. And the answers to those questions that I posed don't come out as happy ones.

I'm one person out of how many billion? What difference can or does one person make? I'd like to be pompous and think I'd make a big difference, but I can see in many ways that the hole I'd leave would close up just like a re-sealable tire that has punctured.

Oh, no, I'm not having ideas of "ending it all". Nothing that drastic. I've grown up from that. But it's difficult to find the motivation to face each day when one feels so very low on the totem pole. And have I achieved anything of real value in my life? I don't know because I can't objectively evaluate that. I'd like to think I have, but in reality what have I done?

And there's so many things I'll never get to do either. Dreams that have been with me for years that will never be realized. I'll never walk through the heather of Scotland or the fog of London. My feet will never touch the sands of the Holy Land. I'll write hundreds of thousands of pages and never be published. I'll never be able to tell those whom I admire what they have meant to me.

I know it sounds as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's not really that. It's a simple stop to take stock of life. Something I'm sure we all do now and then and at crossroads of life. When I feel the pressure and futility of things (like work right now), it does make me stop and wonder what all the fuss is about. Should I keep living the daily rut or should I break out and do what I truly feel like doing? Can I be that irresponsible. It would be, you see, because the things I want to do are not things that would gain me income and the benefits and privileges associated therewith. Would it be worth giving it all up and finding a new way to live that is, I don't know, more bohemian (sounds so trite, but a better word escapes me).

And yet every time I consider it, I go back to the safety of the rut. There are benefits and privileges assoicated therewith.

~*~

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