What's the use?

I spend probably as much as half my life wishing for things that never happen, will never happen and have no chance of happening.

Yes, I'm sure everyone will say, "me too!" The only thing that makes my situation different is that the greatest portion of my wishes are for simple things, for things that do not cost much or anything. That's why it's harder to come to terms with the consequences. I can accept that I'll never win the lottery, that I'll never be chosen for advancement to a plum position, that I'll never win the Nobel Peace Prize. Those are items or events that certainly have a place in people's dreams and always will. And it never hurts one to dream.

But when you wish for the friendship of a person, not an unattainable celebrity or renown politician, but the friendship of the person down the hallway. Just someone to sit and talk with in those lonely or troubled moments. Or just talk about anything. When that simple and attainable goal doesn't happen, and repeatedly, it does begin to turn one's eyes inward. If there are so many people who choose not to be friendly toward me, then the possibility that they all have a problem begins to fade quickly.

So what's wrong with me? What fatal character flaw do I possess that makes so many people flee me? I really would like to know, difficult as it may be to hear. I would truly like to know what I do or have done, what I seem or not...do I stink?

Even being bold enough to ASK doesn't bring satisfaction. I believe that no one will say because of fear of hurting feelings. "No, there's no problem." Proverbially, actions speak louder than words. I'm weary of being the one to continue to run after others to keep the friendship, if that's what it actually is, current and warm. Am I so forgettable? Or not forgettable, but, gee, they wish I'd be...be gone!

I would even take Making Friends 101 if that would help, if it were offered, artificial as that probably would make things. I thought (as people have told me without my asking) that I was a caring and warm person. Either they all lie to me or I am not that way and as soon as they discover that, they try to wiggle away.

Oh yes, I'm sure it sounds as if I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe so. I'm only human after all. But after many years of this, self-pity doesn't come first, so much as that burning desire to know what it is about me that is such a friend-repellent.