Life, Death, Family and Managers

I found out this week there is a connection between all these. The connection of life and death is obvious and I won't belabor it. The connection of family to life and death seems obvious but is not always so. Family should enhance life, reinvigorate life, but so many times family can bring such things that seem more like death. "YouAlways Hurt the One You Love ' is the name of a song but, to use the trite expression, life imitates art, and so it is for me. Refrain from the sad stories and, in fact, too much information of what deep hurts family inflicted on me. We all have stories. Some are deeper and more intense. I will simply say that I was an outsider to my immediate family in reality, not just perception.

Even so, the precise meaning of death is absence of life. That condition devolved on my father this week. What a chaos this released in my life. I wasn't certain if I should feel grief or not. Yes, of course, he was my father, but that does not instantly mean that grief follows. That is determined by the form of the relationship while life remained. Much later I realized that what I felt was grief. Indeed, not what you might think. Of course I was not glad he died, but what I mourned was the relationship that never was, and now has no chance of being. But I digress...

Brief let me be. I discovered that my father died, not from my brother or sister, but from a stranger, a nurse, and quite soon after it happened. So, the sequence is receive an email, make a call and find out. But his death wasn't so sudden. He had been in the hospital nearly three weeks. I had no clue.

Such being the state of affairs, calling brother or sister for commiserating or consolation was not an option. (Confirmed by the call my brother eventually gave me to inform me of the death, gruff and no hint of conciliation and no further communication.) Naturally I did talk to my wonderful, steadfast spouse. I have talked at length about him previously, so I will simply say he was as strong and supportive as always. Still, it does take time for any such emotional trauma to thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

Not wishing to go home alone to think and not reckon it all out for myself, I remained at work. What a joke. I should mark that day as leave and be honest about it, for all I accomplished afterward. I couldn't sit still at my desk. I wandered the corridor, trying to make sense of all the conflicted emotions. That's when I ran into the director of our department. Roy is a nice guy, but I really don't know him. I haven't interacted with him much outside of meetings and "hi"in the hallway. I don't think it took a great deal of perception for him to realize, as he put it, "you don't look okay". Roy invited me to talk in his office. I would have talked to anyone who showed the slightest interest. Download and relieve the pressure.

This is what brings me to the manager connection. Managers have historically been, for me, a touchy subject and situation. Yeah, we all know that story too. We have our stories. And I've heard the other side--the good managers who care and are easy to work for. I have very little experience there, let me be clear.

It did cross my mind, having that background, what are you doing in the director's office pouring out your guts?? So, color me surprised when Roy enveloped me in this snug, compassionate, bear hug. I didn't know he could do that. Hey, I'm a hugger. I like giving and receiving. And it was a good quality hug. He listened patiently with true interest and offered insights that, in my state of mind, I hadn't thought of. He gave me time and attention, the best thing at such a time. Generous and sincere.

My branch chief, Julie, was equally compassionate. (No, I didn't run all over and cry on all shoulders I could find. However, death is information that a manager should know.) She was free with her time and showed genuine interest and concern. Talking to her, whom I know not well, was like talking to a long time friend. She made it that way. She checked on me through the rest of the week.

I work for wonderful managers. I simply didn't realize how wonderful until now. Two managers that I didn't know well at all showed more compassion and concern than family. (See, it is all coming together.) Family offered death, in more than one way, and managers offered life. Too heavily philosophical? Probably, but I'm sure some of you know just how deeply something like this shoves one into thinking a great deal, maybe too much.

Thanks Roy and Julie. Many thanks many times over. Managers are people too. I shall treat them so since they have treated me that way.For all of you suffering loss, my great condolences. I wish I could reach out to you the same way.