Well...

Here I am again. A re-beginning. I have come through the fire and survived...singed and burned, but alive. I have re-claimed my life...for the moment. As always, the promised respite has not panned out in reality. Alas, such is reality. Thus the popularity of the internet. It is a place where reality doesn't always exist, and can be so elastic where it does exist. And so I take my first step out of reality and into a world that I can mold to try to recover my wits.

Ares I PDR and Phase I: the worst ever work experience I have had in 27.5 years at NASA. Bar none. Even when we were launching about every 6-8 weeks in 1985, I never worked this hard...or was treated so badly in my career. Excuse me, my job; I no longer consider it a career. It is a paycheck and allows me to live. That is all. People with careers are not treated this way, or assumed to be so dim about an area in which they have specialized for so long. But that is all I will say about the miserable experience. It is over and gone...shoo, go away.

I have lost contact with many friends because of Work, which has owned my soul for so long. Not many have been understanding about the time required, leaving little time for socializing and such. My most wonderful better half and I have suffered because of it as well. Gratefully that bond was strengthened by the experience, not weakened.

I say I will not speak of it further, and yet I continue to refer to "it" even if I do not directly name it. Such is the lasting effect it has had on me. Not quite to the point of PTSD, but not very far away at all. I have endured worse and lived to tell the tale.

So, I endeavour to end on a positive note after all. I had a wonderful 50th birthday in August. I'm just back from a restful vacation. "Holiday season" is upon us and I have a great deal of leave to burn. I imagine it going up in a long, wandering line of sweet smoke like the leaves of fall in the backyard burn pit. And I intend to enjoy it in the same manner, sitting near the warm and aromatic fire, relaxing and contemplating all the creative and useful things I will do as the cool days enclose me in my cocoon of home, away from the world, away from reality.