Well...

Here I am again. A re-beginning. I have come through the fire and survived...singed and burned, but alive. I have re-claimed my life...for the moment. As always, the promised respite has not panned out in reality. Alas, such is reality. Thus the popularity of the internet. It is a place where reality doesn't always exist, and can be so elastic where it does exist. And so I take my first step out of reality and into a world that I can mold to try to recover my wits.

Ares I PDR and Phase I: the worst ever work experience I have had in 27.5 years at NASA. Bar none. Even when we were launching about every 6-8 weeks in 1985, I never worked this hard...or was treated so badly in my career. Excuse me, my job; I no longer consider it a career. It is a paycheck and allows me to live. That is all. People with careers are not treated this way, or assumed to be so dim about an area in which they have specialized for so long. But that is all I will say about the miserable experience. It is over and gone...shoo, go away.

I have lost contact with many friends because of Work, which has owned my soul for so long. Not many have been understanding about the time required, leaving little time for socializing and such. My most wonderful better half and I have suffered because of it as well. Gratefully that bond was strengthened by the experience, not weakened.

I say I will not speak of it further, and yet I continue to refer to "it" even if I do not directly name it. Such is the lasting effect it has had on me. Not quite to the point of PTSD, but not very far away at all. I have endured worse and lived to tell the tale.

So, I endeavour to end on a positive note after all. I had a wonderful 50th birthday in August. I'm just back from a restful vacation. "Holiday season" is upon us and I have a great deal of leave to burn. I imagine it going up in a long, wandering line of sweet smoke like the leaves of fall in the backyard burn pit. And I intend to enjoy it in the same manner, sitting near the warm and aromatic fire, relaxing and contemplating all the creative and useful things I will do as the cool days enclose me in my cocoon of home, away from the world, away from reality.

What day...

What wonders a day away from work will do.

Actually it wasn't an entire day. I went to work but by 8:00, I knew it had been a mistake to try. I only had about three hours of sleep the night before. Why? I have no clue. It's something that happens now and then and I don't know why. I just can't sleep. I've tried all the "cures" that have been suggested, warm milk and the whole routine. Nothing works on one of those nights. So I just make the best of it and read usually. Then the next day...well, some times I can make it and some times I can't. Yesterday I couldn't. Now, I'm not sure what kept the better half from getting a good sleep. I was told, but I simply don't recall. Better half was wiser and stayed home to begin with.

So I left at 8:00 and went home to bed. Daven Dog woke me about 12:15. He's a good alarm clock...if you don't want to sleep too long. Otherwise, he's a pain. But I was glad for his visit yesterday.

And so there was enough of the day left to enjoy it. We went to Barnes and Noble for lunch (the cafeteria) and wandered in the book store for awhile, coming away with an $88 bag of books. Mostly my fault, I'm afraid. However, I said just yesterday that better half doesn't do recreational reading. Well, better half found a book that was interesting (and read the first chaper last night), and a Sky & Telescope magazine. I have to admit responsibility for the rest of the bill. We stopped in Office Depot for some supplies.

At home I worked on designing some title pages for my self bound books. Just a couple of them. The internet connection was acting up again, so that sidetracked me for more time than I foresaw or wanted. That's why I got so little done.

However, we went for an early supper at the Olive Garden. A leisurely supper, forced on us by the longer than usual wait. But that did give us time to sit and talk quietly. A relaxing moment which is so rare these days.

I still had time to write for an hour and a half, bind two books, and read one of my new books for an hour. It was amazing that I got so much done. When I had finished the binding, I was astounded that it was only 7:30. Work certainly takes up a lot of time from my day. Not to mention that better half works so much later and has half an hour drive before we can have supper and then it's about 6:00. No wonder we never do anything. We don't have time to.

What a great day we had together. Time away from work is so valuable. Time together is very valuable. It was a great and grand day. It was worth missing most of a night's sleep.

A sonnet

Shall I again invoke thee as my muse?
When I, of thee, did take my leave to write,
Thou put'st alien pen before me to use.
And did give these dark and blinded eyes sight,
To see that which was there but was obscur'd.
Thou did'st lift the veil from mine eyes and mind,
And I from a long, dark slumber was stirr'd.
Thou tak'st my hand and helped my way to find.
Thou giv'st me thine own hand that I might feel,
That I also might feel the world as you,
That I might know what is false and what real.
And I have come to know life as you do.
Thou hast given life meaning and reason,
And purpose to see it through each season.

Thus it seems

How quickly we forget. "Oops, forgot to check your blog." Well, that's no problem. But I nearly forgot it myself. A major faux pas. It's so forgettable. (Forgetable, that's what you are...la la la la...)

The end (very nearly) of the first month of a new year. And where did it go? It poofed in a cloud of soft white nothingness. Seems that way when I think back on it. What did I do in January? At least it wasn't as bad as December...shudder. And I really do have a couple of tangible accomplishments. I (shh...finished) the story I started. Well, in a sense. I wrote it to a conclusion that I can carry into a sequel. I didn't plan a sequel, until I saw that I couldn't quickly resolve the complex situation I'd set up. But I began and ended a story...aaah...

I think time seems to go by so fast when the days all become the same. When the routine, whether work or home, becomes so similar and there's little to mark the differences, then time becomes an undivided blur. But I like my routine, or most of it. (Work...that's a different issue.) I like to know what is coming and what I plan to do. Surprises often leave me perplexed and hesitant. Not all surprises, of course, but the larger ones that do not mark an anniversary, birthday, etc. Things like...December...shudder. Those kinds of surprises. And so the lesson is, excuse the so trite saying, variety is the spice of life. Not surprise, but not rut either. So it's up to me to see that my routine isn't so...well, routine. A little surprise that doesn't upset life is a good thing, and perhaps I need to make those happen rather than wait on them to come to me. Yes, I like that thought. It gives me several ideas...which I can't expound on in case certain people do recall to check the blog today (of all days).

Let's see...quick check...3 Feb Super Bowl, 6 Feb dry run on hazard report presentation, 7 Feb STS-122 launch, 14 Feb Valentine's Day, 18 Feb President's Day, 21 Feb presentation to CSERP. Gonna be a full month. Enough variety in there that it shouldn't be the same ol' thing every day. Be careful what you ask for. Some of it begs for SURPRISE!

What in the world

It's a catchy title.

I may actually be speechless this morning, and not because anything excessively exciting or wonderful has happened. Speechless as in, I have nothing to say. (You certainly are typing a lot when you have nothing to say.) Well, let us clarify then. I generally have an idea what I wish to talk about when I begin. However, this morning, that is elusive. Hey, but you don't think that is going to stop me, do you??

I do have to say that it has been quite rewarding to be writing creatively again. (No, not this. This isn't creative.) I've enjoyed it a great deal and there's something about creating that is, well, rewarding. The story I began is flowing well. The ideas are flowing well, that is. It remains to be seen just how well the structure, etc. is. I suppose I've accepted by now that I'm not going to be the next great author on the best seller list. I haven't even tried to submit anything in a very long time. However, the mandate is still there to create. And so I will write for my own satisfaction and for the little but loyal group who enjoys what I spin.

The collage is near completion. I have the little gaps to fill in and some other touches to add. I'm quite satisfied with the way it has turned out. Considering how little advance planning went into it, it's surprising that it didn't turn into a mess. And that's probably a very subjective point of view. I accept that. In spite of all the Discussion and Debate on the subject, art ofttimes is in the eye of the beholder.

Work... Well, we won't talk about that this morning. My favorite person to dislike is rearing his ugly head again and trying to make life miserable, but no matter how difficult, I must not seem miserable...for then he has won and what power that gives him. And besides now with the re-org he's a pimple on the organization's butt with no power. A peon engineer like so many of us. So what's to worry about from him? He just enjoys annoying.