A little dark, but beautiful

The launch of Endeavour on STS-123. The launch time was 1:28 a.m. Who in their right mind would get up at that time only to see a launch? Um...yes. It was simple enough though with a small TV in the bedroom and a watch that has an alarm on it. Not even required to get out of bed. Just wake up, turn the TV on and back to sleep in a few minutes. Yes, I realize how geeky and weird that makes me. I just have ceased to care about that aspect of it.

And so I did manage to collect my ATM card from the credit union, after standing in line only to be told they haven't opened up the ATMs yet. But about a minute after I walk into the house, the phone rings to announce that "we have your card".

I managed to work out the printer-computer "situation". I reinstalled the driver and now I can send a job to the printer and it actually prints out instead of staying in the queue, doing nothing but making me crazy.

I worked on my story, for the first time in a while after being sick and sick of work.

So I've knocked down some of the obstacles in my path, one at a time. That's what it has become. Not a celebration of things accomplished or an enjoyment of a day well spent. No, a tally of obstacles met and pushed out of the way. That's a depressing way to think of life. But I give up for today trying to be happy, think positively, stop and smell the roses and keep the petty complaining inside and focus on something deep and meaningful. That doesn't work today. No facades today. No playing nice to be an encouragement to others or pretending life is taken care of so to be an example. It's too much effort today. For at least one day I want to live in the moment instead of existing in a farcical drama for others. If that moment is rotten or disappointing then I want to acknowledge that instead of trying to be brave and happy and playing as if I can face it all with only a smile and a prayer. (No, not slamming the power of prayer or the power of the One who answers prayer. I don't understand about prayer and today I don't want to pretend as if I do and carry on as if the only thing I need is to just pray and bear it.) So there it is. Not fun or very interesting to read. But it is reality. That's why it's not fun to read. No one wants to read about ordinary every day reality. We are all looking for an escape or something to cheer us, let us leave our own rotten realities behind for a while. That's all the more reason I lay it out there. If I can dump some of it along the roadside perhaps that gives me the escape from shouldering the burden today. Even if it doesn't, today I don't care either way.

No winners

On the acronym challenge. I certainly don't understand that...

At the risk of sounding very, very trite, I just want to repeat that oft used platitude, be careful what you ask for, you may get it.

This is the path I now walk since I decided to turn an avocation into a vocation. This is a mistake that many people make. Some people turn down this road and never look back, enjoying every moment of their new job and looking for more of the same. I wish that it had been this way for me. Alas, the opposite reared its ugly head for me. I love to draw and paint and do "artsy" sorts of things. Pure pleasure. And, of course, I allowed comments from others to go to my head and make me think that I was talented enough to turn that into a second career. So naturally when I had the opportunity (after so actively pursuing this opportunity for some time), I leaped at it with all the spring I could load into my leap.

That was quite some time ago now. I just checked. The offer was made in June 2006 to illustrate a text on vestigal organs. I was flattered and very pleased and said yes without much thought. Without much thought. Therein lies my sin. It never occurred to me that it would be more than fun and a good learning experience. Well, it has been a good learning experience. I have learned the hard lessons.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate it as entirely as it sounds. I'm just cranky over a weekend that was spent working more than relaxing or doing fun things. Not work as in working overtime at my primary job. And it wasn't just the drawing that occupied my weekend either. So there are other things I can (and should) blame.

However, it always seems as if requests for drawings come at the Most Inconvenient Time. Just when I'm very busy with Other Things, or working a lot (primary job), or have A Thing that I want to do for myself (very much), or as in the current situation, when I was so sick that when the envelope came, I couldn't even muster the energy to open it. That being the case, I didn't begin work on any of the drawings for exactly one week. Now, I never really know how urgent these requests are. I'm very much in the dark about how far along this book is. I had thought it was near completion last October or so when the author asked me exactly how I wanted to be credited on the title page. Then there was the envelope that arrived in December with the note that this needed to be done as soon as possible! And my computer crashed...both of them. And the scanner wouldn't work with the computer when it did get fixed. I rushed to put together the resources to make these drawings come together and get them emailed to the author, thinking he was rushing to meet a deadline. Now here it is March and envelopes continue to come in, this last one with the assurane of "it's okay if you can't do it right now. Take your time and get well." That is why I am confused and confounded.

But I was the dilligent worker and knocked out two of the three drawings over the weekend. On Friday night when I was bent over a very tedious verted eye retina illustration, I was muttering the entire time because I wanted to relax and have fun on Friday night. Ditto Saturday night...which by the way was intermixed with computer problems and multi-tasking with two other Things To Be Done.

That is why it's not fun. That is why I feel frustrated. That is why I cannot do art for fun when I'm rushing to finish tedious illustrations. That is why I'm complaining about an opportunity that I should be very happy for. I'm sure when it's all said and done things will seem different. I try to be positive about this. And I can be some times. I just had a rotten weekend and part of it was the guilt and press of being behind because I was sick...which I still am.

And last night I was looking through an art supply catalog for more "stuff" to help me do this stuff. I like to draw, even when I don't like to draw.

What dreams may come...

The days evaporate into nothing. I can't believe that it has been a week since the shuttle launch. What have I done with the last seven days? They disappeared like morning fog burned off by early warm sun. In fact, the last two or three weeks have disappeared in a puff of white smoke. I realize the insanity of work makes the days rush by like a train hurrying through a tiny hamlet, gone before you can blink. But still I don't understand why the nights and weekends seem to have rushed away too...other than that they are connected to the days that are pulled out from under me like a rug.

Speaking in analogies this morning...

At least it is Friday and a three day weekend. I hope that the weekend is a good one and a quiet one. It would be appreciated so I could try to recover from the bone weariness and the pending cold that won't settle in but won't go away either. I'd like to start the week fresh, particularly since I have the Big Presentation on Thursday next week. I thought I was feeling pretty good about it. Then everyone begins questioning me and reminding me it's "Level II". I haven't presented at that high a level before. Presentations make me nervous anyway. I don't need the pressure of being reminded to whom I am presenting. Concern is natural, worry accomplishes nothing but to compound itself. I just wish it behind me. Perhaps the agenda will present the hazard reports in numerical order and Art will present first. The first presenter always gets the hardest time as the panel settles in to the manner of proceeding, deciding the level of presentation and questions and so forth. However, I also know what has been said about Art when Art is not around. And it may be that since my report is more mature and I am more familiar with my report, I may be chosen as the sacrifice so that we start on a good foot and Art will have a softer time. If that is the case, at least I get to go early and get it over with instead of sweating out the wait.

Music...Gayane Ballet Suite...aaaahhh.

Mood? Um...tired.

Plans? Nothing big. Low profile. Perhaps a nice relaxing art project.

Color? NASA blue

Drawing...Max Q (The time of maxium aerodynamic pressure on the shuttle. The colors are indicative of the pressure, most intense on the shuttle.)

Quid hoc sibi vult?

I don't know if I have the motivation or energy to post today.

Okay, so stop right there and don't post. Don't tell me why. Just don't do it.