The Disaster in Room 2002

I must be an idiot or a glutton for punishment. Or maybe something worse still. Some things don't die, no matter how hard you beat them.

Luna

The moon rises over the roof
And sets in a similar way.
As we sleep on unconcerned
And wait impatiently for the day.

The sun and moon in passing
Pause for a brief word.
Each considers the other's lot
In the theater of the absurd.

Even changeable, always waxing
Or waning on the way to bed,
The moon chooses full but then
Heads to gibbous instead.

Snap out of it!

If only it were that easy.

Yesterday's blog entry drew mixed reactions. Concern is appreciated. Not "getting it" is understandable. Ignoring it is understandable too. Who really wants to read someone's blog when it's so dark and depressing, and well, even boring. The only reaction that bugs me is the "snap out of it" reaction. "You have a choice in how you feel! If you focus on the negative then of course you'll feel rotten! Just get over it and think about all the great things in your life. It could be a lot worse."

Yeah, it could be a lot worse. But. I'm sure there are those out there who understand that depression is not always just a state of mind. It's not always "choosing to be that way". Why on earth would I choose to be so down and out of things? Why would I pick to lie in bed for half the day instead of doing something fun or creative? It's not always about choice, people.

There is the sort of depression that is caused by your body rebelling against you. That's not a state of mind. There are physical causes for it too. "Oh, but you always get depressed when things are not going great for you. So it must just be your thinking." No. There are times when events in life are great, but the big D hits you hard. Why don't the SAEs (self appointed experts) ever notice that? Why is it that they only see what they want to see? And there is the fact that things such as stress cause the physical "situation" to get worse. Not because of emotional upset from the stress, but how physiology changes when the body is subjected to the press...and the lack of sleep, etc. Perhaps the SAEs are not so expert after all.

So, I say to all of you SAEs out there, you snap out of it. Snap out of your smug self-righteous, know-it-all state of mind and learn to look beyond the end of your nose. There's a whole world out there of which you know little because you are so busy counseling everyone on how to handle things that you really don't understand at all.

To be, or to see

The long slide into the dark continues, and who knows when it will stop or how low it can go before it levels? That's the disheartening part...sometimes scary. When will it stop? Will it stop?

I feel as if my life has been stolen from me. When I sit here like this, finding it painfully hard to do the simplest task, I know something has been taken from me. Not just simple motivation, but meaning and even words to try to state my meaning or feeling. It has taken about five minutes just to type this much. And yet I have to press forward. If I stop to try to call up just the right word then the lethargy grips harder and freezes up not merely my fingers, but my will. My mind takes off on flights of fancy that have nothing to do with even a resemblance of reality. It's similar to a waking sleep, a conscious dream. It makes no sense and just flows from one idea to another concept all under its own power and direction. I don't even seem to have the ability to control that. And so I sit and stare into space, seeming to have lost the tenuous contact with the things and people around me. My mind has a life apart from what my body knows it must do. This is the time of sleeping not for rest but for escape. The sleep of escape. It's always been interesting to me how much I can sleep when I seek escape. My mother always ran a tight ship of making sure we never slept too much during the day or too late in the day so we wouldn't "sleep too much" and not be sleepy at bedtime. But this sort of sleep defies all logical reasoning of getting too much sleep. It's not the body in charge now seeking restoration. The mind is in charge and shuts the body down so that it can have the escape from the dark oblivion. So the mind can wander in worlds of fantasy, finding fun and hope when none exists in the waking world. None of it makes sense. And there seems little choice but to flow along with it. It's too much work to resist. It creeps in insidiously and steals away bits of life. Where will it stop?

The weather matches my mood

Dark and dreary.

But I do like the rain. I always have. I like thunderstorms. Not severe storms. Not tornadoes. I didn't say that. I like thunderstorms.

I was a child in the 60's...back when as long as you were not standing in the rain or near metal, then you were considered "safe" from the lightning. Nowadays when there is lightning miles away, we get an announcement on the emergency warning system at work that "lightning has developed within ten miles of the Marshall Space Flight Center. Employees conducting outside activities should move inside at once." I was either lucky or, more likely, very blessed. I used to go sit on the porch and watch and listen during a storm. Now, I wasn't entirely stupid. If the lightning was right overhead, then I didn't sit outside. But I liked to watch the storm and listen to the rain and thunder. Before "environmental effects" CDs were popular for relaxing, I discovered the calm that the gentle rumble of thunder and patter of rain can bring. It was especially great to be able to see a storm moving in, to see it off on the horizon with the bolts dancing between clouds and then skipping to the ground. And it was even better at night. Nothing was more relaxing than to climb into bed and watch a storm roll in and then go to sleep by the soundtrack of a "good" storm...a good sleep storm, not a rabid, angry one that rattled the windows.

We had the other kind in the wee hours of this morning. I was sleeping peacefully when the thunder nearly rolled me out of bed. Not the worst way to wake up, but not the best way. Unfortunately it startled me so much that I was unable to get back to sleep, with about an hour left before the alarm went off.

But the gentle rain patters outside the window right now. Unfortunately I cannot hear it because of the well insulated building I work in with the ventilation system that makes its own brand of noise...not the pleasant type. However, when I go for coffee, as I just did, it's nice to pause at the window and watch the drops splatter in the little pools of water. It's as if a fairy has touched down in the pool, startling the calm surface, before she leaps away to another one to disturb its quiet too. As the rain falls the fairies dance and the thunder gently calls to them. And it seems, for the moment at least, as if all is right with the world.

I never understood...

Initial considerations...

I never did understand how hearing another person's troubles or difficulties was supposed to make one feel better. So that you know you're not the only one? Well, I still don't get that. I've never been encouraged when I was low by hearing someone whine about "if you think you had it bad, wait until you hear about what happened to me!"

Friday's experience has made me think a great deal about my job situation. For about six months I have attended many, many hours of meetings (about 30-35% of my work hours), listened to many hours of telecons, read and responded to hundreds and hundreds of emails, dealt with as many phone calls, and the only real product I have produced is one hazard report of 24 pages...not full pages. It's a form and only about 50-60% of the boxes are filled in, which is on schedule. And on Friday that report was trashed entirely. It seems a lot of effort for little product and that wasn't even good enough. It's very demoralizing. I don't have the motivation to do this job any more. And it spills over into life in general. I was so de-motivated that I did nothing with my weekend. No reading, or writing, or drawing. I did nothing constructive at all. It was a waste and a wash. And I don't really care.

The Big Presentation:
I could only get you to appreciate the full impact of Friday if I told you everything that happened. That is beyond my ability to endure to type it all, the space to put it and the patience of the reader. Therefore, I keep it to a synopsis of the worst of the highlights.

After starting 20 minutes past the time I was scheduled to start, and not being able to get into the hazard database where my data was, I got to talk for about 15 minutes. I was scheduled for two hours. However, things did not procede as expected. It was suggested to me to READ the hazard report to the panel so nothing got left out. I didn't quite read it to them though but on the third information block the panel chairman said, "Can't you just summarize this??" Well, I could but I was told to make sure I mentioned everything. Then on the next block, I made it about half way through the hazard cause when the panel chairman said the whole philosophy of this hazard report was wrong. That was not against me because I didn't make that decision. I was just...doing the report I was told to do. However, that took the entire meeting off on another discussion...about the direction that vehicle integration was going and how we get there. Even though I had points to make on that, I got to bring up two of them and then I was talked over for the rest of the time. I know when to shut up. I was shown my place, and I took it because there was little choice. Chad led the way in talking over me. The panel and a couple of engineers took off on the "how integration should do its job" discussion for about an hour. I got to sit and listen. I thought that was it for me. I'm done. They want this hazard report re-done in an entirely different way. So I don't have to do any more presenting. Then just at 12, Chad said we needed to get back to my report. The panel chairman said let's take a lunch break. So I get to sit here and wait an hour for what??? That is what I asked Chad...what now? He told me to push forward and present...what they already said is wrong and they don't want to go through the details. However, that doesn't matter. I've been given my orders and I'm expected to follow them no matter what the panel chairman says.

So, an hour later...we started 15 minutes late and Chad presented three charts he had. Then he got back to me and my hazard report, which had already been discredited. I asked the panel chairman three times if he wanted to do Choice A or Choice B on preceding. He would listen and then talk to the guy next to him so he would ask me to repeat myself. Very rude, and makes one feel treated like a dog...which they had already done from the beginning. So I got re-started and I got to talk for about 10 minutes. Then the subject that started the morning argument got…re-opened, after they had agreed to talk it outside the meeting. I was this close to being able to leave but the panel chairman polled the panel to see if anyone had questions and that’s when that subject got brought back up. Thirty minutes later I was this close to being able to leave a second time and an engineer who is not involved in vehicle integration wanted to know who was going to do the integrated analyses. Why? Don’t know. It doesn’t affect him at all. So then they talked that for about 15-20 minutes. Then the panel chairman had to poll everyone again to see if there was anything else who wanted to ask anything.

I was supposed to present from 10:15-12 and I ended up presenting (ha…listening) from 10:30-12 and 12:45-2:00. I must have talked a grand total of 10-15 minutes. I stood and listened the rest of the time. Stood…

The final tally is that I have attended meetings and meetings and meetings and telecons and answered tons of email. In the last 6 months the only real product that I have produced was the hazard report, which was re-written 3 times. And now it is trash. The panel threw out my report as not being what they wanted…redo it completely in a totally different way. 6 months down the toilet. :p’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

That’s the government way.

3 a.m.

Give or take a couple of minutes. Oh, I know it's not that time now. That's what time I woke this morning. And I didn't make it back to sleep. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's because today is the Big Presentation. That's why I didn't go back to sleep...tossing and turning and worrying about it. Well, no. I really didn't think much about it. No, you see this is normal for me. Not that I wake up every morning at 3. I wake most mornings at about 3 and I am able to go back to sleep about 60-65% of the time. That other percent...I just lie there eyes wide and not even feeling sleepy. I can lie there for half an hour and not even a yawn. At that point I know there's no gain to be had from lying there any longer trying to think relaxing thoughts and doing deep breathing. So it's up and at 'em. This was one of those mornings. I think I might have lightly dozed a bit, but I recall seeing the clock at 3:14 and 3:20... So what sleep may have happened was not productive. So do I feel exhausted and wish I was home asleep instead of here at my desk very early (before 6). No. Not right now. I feel fine. I'm ready for the day and not tired or cranky. That will come about 1-1:30. That's when I'll have to drag away from my desk and walk around before I fall asleep. Then when I get home, I'll crash for about an hour. And that will carry me over until bed time. And tonight I'll probably sleep past 3 am. I have a feeling that I'm not saying something unfamiliar to a lot of people. I'm willing to bet that more people than not do understand.

And today is the big day for the Ares VI hazard report presentation. My confidence was greatly boosted yesterday when there was a flurry of activity centered around things that were "missing" from the report format. Well, this is going into PDR, so it isn't expected to be 100% complete. Still we looked at my report again and discussed what to change about the template. The conclusion was not to change anything at this late time. "We'll see what they do to Brenda tomorrow and then we'll decide what to do with the rest of the reports. If she survives, we won't change anything. If she gets beat up then we'll make the changes." I knew I was being the sacrifical cow. But I say that with tongue very firmly in cheek. I'm not nervous anymore...really and truly. I've become calmer the closer it gets...ironically. But praying earnestly for peace of mind helps that a great deal. The other side of the coin on going first is that I will have it over with and not have it on my shoulder...and not have to make all those changes and incorporate all those incoming comments the day before the presentation. I can sit back and take potshots at all the other reports to be presented. :D

Visnomy as it seems thus far

What a beautiful and uneventful landing for Atlantis yesterday. It was a great mission, no major hitches and quite a clean launch. No TPS concerns. Delayed though it was by ECO sensors, the mission itself was a smooth one. Endeavour will launch in three weeks, which is a little startling, but pleasing.

The "erratic" or "dead" satellite (so called spy imaging satellite) was shot down successfully by the Navy last night. Good show. All sorts of implications and things one could speculate on, which I will not go into here, as I consider it beyond the scope of this blog. Why did I mention it then? The shot itself was of great interest.

There was a total eclipse of the moon last night. That was fun and interesting to watch. Though I've seen so many and completely understand what is happening, I never cease to be amazed by it. I enjoy watching the heavens which delcare the glory of God. The firmament showeth His handiwork.

Haven't much to say today. Dragging because of this cold that has lingered a couple of weeks. Just cave canem. Carpe canem. In hoc signo vinces. Haec lim meminisse ivvabit. Abeunt studia in mores. Si vis amari ama. Res tuas cura. Vale.