I just don't get it

I really do try to do the right thing in relationships with friends. Well, in all relationships, but the friend thing is the current imbroglio that has me in a state of discombobulation.

I do care about my friends. I suppose that sounds obvious, but I mean that I don't take them for granted. I have so few and those are precious. Also, I try to let them know, in various ways, what their friendship means to me. In an ideal situation, that wouldn't be necessary, but I think people like to know they are appreciated and cared about. So I do try to show it. That can be a challenge sometimes though. What do I say or do...or not say or do? Absolutely, different methods are required for different people.

And there are times when I try to do or say something that seems to me to be correct and caring. But the reaction I get afterwards, at times, leaves me totally baffled. I feel as if I have done something wrong. I feel as if I have left an insult or a hurt. At that point, I have no iota of an idea of what to say. So I say nothing. The quiet leaves me in the dark then. Did I do wrong or right? If wrong, what? If right, why the dry or negative reaction? I am not able to learn from a mistake if I do not understand the mistake, or even realize if I made one.

This is what has me pondering at this moment. I think that the care and maintenance of a relationship is one of the most difficult tasks that anyone can face. And it's something no one can teach in a class. Sure, there are classes and those classes have good and interesting ideas, but I maintain that it can't be taught. And the lessons one learns in the actually practice can be painful and long lasting...and obviously effect all the relationships that come later.

So...what the hell...

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Hit bottom today. Feeling very miserable. The kind of day when the brain is so sogged that it won't perform rationally.

One good point--it is significantly warmer. The temperature is in the 40's and it is so good not be freezing, particularly since I would freeze at the equator in the middle of the summer...which is a non-sequitur concerning seasons and equatorial position. But it sounds good.

The sky is metal grey mottled with lighter grey streaks and splotches, as if someone poured melted metal across the sky and did not stir it. The rain tapered off yesterday late so we are left with a crazy quilt of damp outside.

Roy gave generously of his time, as always. He had fifteen minutes and still hadn't eaten lunch. Yet he brought me in and listened. He's so good. When will he tire of me? Roy is as changeable as a chameleon. When he listens, he is serious, even grim. His blue eyes grey down. He is in hear mode, absorbing. When he talks, his eyes glimmer and he charges up before he launches into response. Now he is in transmit mode. He cares about his people. He simply cares.

I finally got back in the mode to write. I watched something that gave me an idea for a plot and I charged into it. The first time in a very long time that I've written more than a couple of pages before I decided it was too much of a chore and stopped. I got up to 11 pages before my idea was crushed out. Julie M. strikes again. She has the method that rains on my parade and severely demotivates me. She usually doesn't give me a chance to develop a plot before she rips it up, telling me all that is wrong with it. Well, I didn't give her the chance this time. However, I did need to ask her for some medical information for the story. I can't fault her for being medically accurate, but it killed my story idea. So I've lost interest in trying to save it. I really don't think I'll write again. After five years I just can't get going any more.

State of confusion

Though I never intended this blog to become a place to cry and expel all things to the void, sometimes I do revert to that because there has to be an outlet. Some things are not expressible to another person. Not because they are so terrible, but because they are so unfathomable. And so I attempt here to do what I can't do, haven't been able to do, out of cyberspace.

I can't explain what goes on inside. Some people understand my ramblings because they feel the same things. Others try but don't get it. And the remainder stare with the blankest of looks. For all the goodness and care that two current sounding-boards demonstrate, it's no good trying to dump what's inside. I can tell that I made one of the pair uncomfortable. I'm sorry for that because I simply don't want to make such situations. But things haven't been like this for me in a long time. It hasn't been so bleak and confusing in some years. Sure, there are professionals, but I can't spend every day in such a setting. And I am expected to deal with a certain amount on my own. And so I should have. Then these uncomfortable situations wouldn't begin to build up.

If I sound as if I am babbling, I am. As I said, I can't explain. I feel a little mad at the moment. I feel like another person. When will I come in for landing? When will the fog clear? Only time will tell.

So the best thing to do is withdraw and wait. Rather than accept friendly help, perhaps it's best for all if I simply wait this out on my own. I wouldn't want to lose the couple concerned people. There are so few. Rather than run them off, perhaps I should suffer in silence. After all, it will go away. Won't it?

Jane, stop this crazy thing!

That's what I feel like yelling out. Yet, simultaneously, I do not want it to stop. Don't slow. Keep going as fast as this past week. Never stop. It's scary as hell, but it's bringing me peace at the same time.

Yeah, how can that be?

I wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't taken the ride. I keep dropping quarters in each time I sense the ride slowing, and, just as I expect, acceleration happens.

The week has been most interesting. Particularly Wednesday and Thursday. Those were the strangest days I've lived through in a very long time. They are vivid in my memory, and yet, somehow, they seem so fuzzy and far away.

I suppose perhaps that is a self-defense mechanism kicking in unconsciously. It's the way that I try to deal with the sudden changes and the tremendous shift of paradigm that has exploded in my world. Else, my brain might rupture from trying to process all the words, feelings, events that unfolded on those days.

So, you may say, get to the point! What happened? What the heck exploded into your life that has you babbling so wildly. These are but wild and whirling words! Put your discourse into some form and make me a wholesome answer. (Apologies to William.)

Ah, I pull back at this point from telling the entire story. Rather, brief let me be. About the details, at least.

Being a very private person, I have a lot of untold things that have remained buried for years, and some things not so long. Things that, to me, seem things to be ashamed of or embarrassed by, and so they have remained under the layers of dirt that I continue to pile on them. So deep are they that I can name very quickly the short list of people who know, and even shorter, much so, is the list of people who know combinations or all of it. Probably only two people know it all.

So, why would I, in the space of a few minutes, spew out half of The Big Secrets to someone I have only gotten to know well in the last couple of months?

That, my friend, is the question of the day.

I have no idea what brought it on. In some ways it feels like a set up. It feels like I was plunged into a situation that would leave me no choice but surrender, backed into a corner. However, I know full well that is not the case. The person to whom I made confession wouldn't have a clue, and has no malicious intent. The thought has occurred to me that a Higher Authority might have orchestrated it all. If so...amen, let it be so. I am His tool to use as He sees fit. He is the potter; I am the clay.

And so I did tell some of those things that have lain fallow by purpose. A couple of the painful things, including my most preserved thing. And what do you suppose his reaction was?

That was the kicker, the beginning of the life change.

I figured, for certain, it would lower his estimate of me. He would now view me as some sort of damaged merchandise to be thrown out to make room for the new and improved merchandise to soon be brought in. He would think I was nuts. Not just nuts as in fun and wacky. Nuts as in insane, literally. I was certain this was the beginning of the end of this relationship, so new in nature.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

"You're an incredible person!"

What? Me? ME??? No way. Can't happen. Who is standing behind me that you are addressing? You can't possibly mean me.

"You have a story that would help so many people. You need to write a book."

WHAT? Now I know who is out of mind, and it ain't me.

Admit to PEOPLE all those things that I've worked so long to bury and keep quiet for so many long years?? Are you kidding, or nuts? Uh uh. No way, no how.

So...what happened that was so life changing? Just one admittance of Those Things?

No. I'm working on a speech...to give before people to tell my story. And not just any people. Before my coworkers. People who know me and people who are among those that I've most kept in the dark.

Scares the hell out of me.

So why do it? It would be easier to just keep quiet. Probably.

I do it not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

And that's not the end of the story. That's the beginning. Because this is a test case to see if I'm willing to go through with it. Afterwards? We'll see what happens first, but I'm thinking that telling my story IS a good thing after all. Other speaking opportunities? A book? Real possibilities. We'll see...after the first time.

Scares the hell out of me.

Gives me peace also. I feel a great weight has been lifted. I feel some freedom. It's easier not having to work so hard to hide it all. Since I've made this choice, my outlook has been different; people tell me I'm different. In the space of two days. Quite a ride, quite a difference, quite a change of paradigm. Instead of wasting so much time and energy hiding, I can live in the open and in freedom, and maybe help someone on the way. All I have to do is take a chance.

The ride is slowing. Where are my quarters??

Thanks, Roy.

Pie

Roy told me of a fellow who gives motivational talks. This fellow used the metaphor of a pie to demonstrate how some people build others up while others only tear down. He referred to them as pie givers and pie takers. Roy told me I needed to surround myself with more pie givers, so I would have pie instead of a lack of pie.

I like the metaphor.

Roy is a pie giver. I always have excess when I have been around Roy. I want to be a pie giver too. He taught me that it takes so little time and effort to be nice to someone and make them feel good. It's a simple lesson and I should have learned it long ago. However, it came at a time when I was so much more susceptible to it, and it came from one who does live what he says. Roy talks the talk and walks the walk.

I want to also.

This last weekend I had a weekend filled to overflowing with people who built me up. (Note to myself for memory aide, but to stay modest also. It was at an award ceremony.) Quite literally everyone was nicer than I realized so many people could be at one time and place. From Dr. Meehan to the lady who controlled access to the suites and so opened the door for everyone...with a big smile every time. Everyone was so wonderful. I rode an emotional high from Saturday morning until Tuesday morning. An overflowing of pie that took me through more than one day.

And then Tuesday morning, this morning, I attended a forum where quite literally everyone was cold and pushy and...well, to keep it clean and simple...very much not nice. Pie robbers. They didn't get pie from me because I wanted to give it to them. They took it by force against my wishes. Robbery. They took even when there was nothing left to take.

No wonder I was in such a horrible and angry mood when I got home. Spouse wondered what in the world was wrong with me...and why the very sudden and quite drastic change.

Robbers. Meanies. Self-absorbed.

It's a cold world.

That's why I want to be a pie giver. But I want to do it willingly, and sincerely. I don't want to be extorted.

My experience of this morning could have left me bitter enough to trash the entire idea. Why should I go out of my way to be nice to people who are robbers? Well, I don't want to be like the rest of the cold world. I want to be one of those who helps change the world. Yeah, serving pie always makes people happy. Just think of a big slab of hot apple pie with cold ice cream melting over the sides. Makes you smile, doesn't it? It makes others smile too when they receive it.

Build up.

Be a pie giver.

Thanks, Roy, for being a pie giver and for teaching me how to be one.

What's the use?

I spend probably as much as half my life wishing for things that never happen, will never happen and have no chance of happening.

Yes, I'm sure everyone will say, "me too!" The only thing that makes my situation different is that the greatest portion of my wishes are for simple things, for things that do not cost much or anything. That's why it's harder to come to terms with the consequences. I can accept that I'll never win the lottery, that I'll never be chosen for advancement to a plum position, that I'll never win the Nobel Peace Prize. Those are items or events that certainly have a place in people's dreams and always will. And it never hurts one to dream.

But when you wish for the friendship of a person, not an unattainable celebrity or renown politician, but the friendship of the person down the hallway. Just someone to sit and talk with in those lonely or troubled moments. Or just talk about anything. When that simple and attainable goal doesn't happen, and repeatedly, it does begin to turn one's eyes inward. If there are so many people who choose not to be friendly toward me, then the possibility that they all have a problem begins to fade quickly.

So what's wrong with me? What fatal character flaw do I possess that makes so many people flee me? I really would like to know, difficult as it may be to hear. I would truly like to know what I do or have done, what I seem or not...do I stink?

Even being bold enough to ASK doesn't bring satisfaction. I believe that no one will say because of fear of hurting feelings. "No, there's no problem." Proverbially, actions speak louder than words. I'm weary of being the one to continue to run after others to keep the friendship, if that's what it actually is, current and warm. Am I so forgettable? Or not forgettable, but, gee, they wish I'd be...be gone!

I would even take Making Friends 101 if that would help, if it were offered, artificial as that probably would make things. I thought (as people have told me without my asking) that I was a caring and warm person. Either they all lie to me or I am not that way and as soon as they discover that, they try to wiggle away.

Oh yes, I'm sure it sounds as if I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe so. I'm only human after all. But after many years of this, self-pity doesn't come first, so much as that burning desire to know what it is about me that is such a friend-repellent.

Let them know

The world is a cold place. Common courtesy is dead. Selfishness reigns. Concern for others is wheezing its last breath. People no longer respond "you're welcome" to a sincere thanks, but rather belt out, "no problem!", as if a request for assistance is a problem, unless it is officially pronounced not so. That has become part of the culture and many people are surprised that I find it rude. That's one of many barometers of how far our society has degenerated.

Social entropy. Society continues to trend toward its lowest energy state. Measure that energy as compassion, courtesy, selflessness...or many other synonyms. Drag out Roget.

Because such is the case, it is beyond refreshing to become acquainted with someone who defies the trend and dares to give abundantly of himself. It's very close to amazing. I had thought that nowadays one needed to be intimately befriended to someone for years before that person would open up to true generosity and compassion. Color me bemused, but well pleased.

It is equally important to let such a person know that he stands out, and that it's appreciated. Oh yes, in this world, it's much appreciated. In our entropic society, how many people will return to someone to let him or her know that individual had an affect, made a difference, contributed something of substance that helped one make it through another day? As rare as courtesy, which that is, indeed.

But also let us not forget the people already in our life who have shown us love, friendship and care. Don't take that for granted. It is such a rare commodity these days. A sincere, simple "thank you" can mean so much...so long as it is sincere. I don't intend to forget those whose friendship I have and their adoption tried. It was simply such a surprise to meet someone who was open and caring from the beginning.

So, let them know. It takes a moment to say thank you. It takes a moment longer to say why. And this costs nothing. What easier gift can one give than something which is a builder and which takes so little effort? Perhaps you wish to put more effort into it. A little anonymous note is a wry touch. If one can't bring thank you to the lips, or is doubting of how it will be accepted, or thinks it may be looked upon as seeking favor, then a slip of paper expressing appreciation is the perfect solution. Use your imagination...be creative. Even if it's a simple doodle around the edges. If you wish to take more effort, then that effort will be noticed and appreciated.

Let everyone know how much you appreciate them. Start a revolution. Be kind. Be friendly. Be caring. It takes energy to reverse entropy. But that energy will not be expended in vain.